SSR Week 3: Phalanx (1-1) vs A Disciple (1-1) (OPEN)

[Soule]

50 lines.
Due Friday, 11:59pm pt.
Votes Due Sunday, 11:59pm pt.
3-0 = KO, anything else is first to 5.

@Phalanx
vs
@A Disciple

[Phalanx]

"There is an island adrift in a sea of wtone
A solemn asylum, it calls the cliffs and the peaks it home...
There's an ominous silence over this reach of stone..
The elders had promised a giant...If he would just lift up their keep and throne...
Spare them the carnage and violence....Deliver them from their sieging foes..
The Golem accepted, seemed thrilled with accepting his prize..
A mother solemnly wept as the village was swept to the sky!"

~ As the singers words wash over you, a decrepit old man stops at you side and begins in a raspy voice..~

She cried because she didnt have a choice..
I've likely heard the old bard's song a hundred....maybe a thousand times...
As the legend goes..Our town wasn't always placed on this mountain side...
Our ancestors built the towers on the coast to the north...
A peaceful fishing village...Nestled among the forest close to the shore....
A town jested as "Poseidon's Daughter" .. At least as the locals report...
Our markets thrived on water, Our nets filled with the ocean's rewards..
At least it was so.....Until the Northlands broke into war...
And a legion of foes...Menacingly approached us with force..
A band ogres and orcs...With the dark mage himself..Leading this most ferocious of hordes...
One by one...We got word of neighboring towns needlessly pillaged...
But our turn had come....They had begun to lay siege on our village!
The legend goes on to tell how the elder's awoke the Golem of Glittertend
They cast pleas upon it's ears...Made offers of innocence...
From a solemn and bitter end, they sought a deliverance...

The Golem was silent...The mountains trembled as he rose to his feet...
Can you imagine their surprise, a as the colossal behemoth simply strolled to the beach..
One glance at the giant sent cries of terror through the camp of our enemies...
They feared what the elder's hoped for; That it would trample them endlessly...
But it passed them by with a passive stride...
All eyes held captive by it's massive size..
Its stopped at our village...All the residences gasped!
Its massive hands slammed down with the heaviest crash!
And as you already heard in this silly song...
It snatched up our village along with the earth it was built upon....

~ He paused for a moment...The bard's lyrics filling the silent void...
His vocals raspy, with the driest voice

" There is an island adrift in a sea of stone
A solemn asylum, it calls the cliffs and the peaks it home...
There's an ominous silence over this reach of stone.."
The old man cleared his throat~

And so..our village has been here now for forty years...
But This is the first year I've thought of the mother..and the reason for her tears .
And I can't help but reflect on that shit...
Because...
This year its my daughter who stands at the edge of that cliff.
Some deals are catch 22s and result in some hard things

~The old man goes silent as the bard sings...


" The Golem accepted, seemed thrilled with accepting his prize..
A mother solemnly wept as the village was swept to the sky!"

[Soule]

Verse due tonight @A Disciple

[A Disciple]

Checking in... writing now

[A Disciple]

Till I Collapse

It was 7:30am when I felt the tug to my heart
I’m glad he found me again but I wanna know who keeps tearing us apart
At times when I think - I feel the barrel of a gun to the back of head
I think maybe I should’ve ran when I saw the green dot on my forehead…
But I took a pic instead (now I’m properly bitched)
Does that make you proud, cause even though I still prefer to get stuck in a crowd
Clumsy - any time I tried to walk cute cause the humble is all my council allowed (where are they?)
I’m pissing who off just minding my own trying to get back some type of life
Cause I have to make something of this too – The last thing I want is to be a wife
I’m running in and out of zones and the hell can be unreal… hearing my gma
“If it wasn’t for the pain I would think I was dead” to remind me I still feel
Still facing the kind who thinks it’s people they own
Blamed it on KKK swearing they got the phone tap so I leave it alone
Every night a new torture – and they tell my loved ones its my dream
Wondering why I am so late for all ours… only having 3 people on my team
I get it now… everything I held that never really made sense
And yeah feeling so stupid I never knew or how the feds help them like it’s MY offense
Every night a new torture, pain, taps, knots in my face or pins to my eyes
How THEIR demons send ME to hell like I’m some lamb to be sacrificed for them guys
And theres a god that really lets it and helps them disguise
Their spirits ride me like a coaster
And think Im the child for their poster
Things you all did, I couldn’t imagine doing to you
But here I am stuck on stupid cause how the new Hitler think he can do
A genocide, lets just keep the grey eyes but MY GOD wouldn’t do this to me
A fact they have that’s built on all lies but yet it’s blurry vision I see
And as I panic and always the one to have to breath it out
I thank God for La Sirene daily – cause they raped me no doubt
But being forced to share my body and feeling like I’ll never get it back
I even jumped over a broom trying to stay intact when they attack
Yeah you could do it Hitler, but why do you want to?
So I go your way – and my body belongs to a God that isn’t even mine?
And I don’t even want you! You act like we really do run out of time
And I’m so sick and tired of being stalked and blamed about
But I’m a soldier in this new world order if its on our land no doubt
Are you? At least I used to be… maybe if I can stop all this shaking
Just cause some dumb ass bitch think it’s all hers for the taking
I think I figured this shit out…
She has everyone so convinced I brought this about
Being protected but threw the first bomb
“FIRE” – it’s a 5 star alarm
So wait… he trying to take us out cause it’s all about them
Then here comes MY nightmares again and again?
Get back up… heard DMX say “withstand the pain”
Why are they allowed to try to change my entire essence… and they don’t even know purple rain!!!
It feels like everyone watching, and I thought I was all alone
Do you know what that feels like? Please throw a bitch a bone
Get back up… I shouldn’t have to cause every time you let them do this to me
Do you know what it feels like when they pull my strings?
It will be a murder so perfect… even better than the one in Misery (don’t do that to me)


+ Lord please protect me with your light as I walk thru the wild
Please help me to take heed to all advise if even from a child
Please send me your blessings so I can stay forever young old
And please protect my heart from ever becoming so cold

- - - Updated - - -

Just to be free*

[Soule]

Again. Excuse the brief vote but I gotta go. Phal had a nice, consistent storyline. I wish there was more depth to some of the key plot points to strengthen the ending but as is it was real solid. I liked the imagery in the intense moments though. My biggest suggestion would be really cleaning up typos and grammar when you do your editing/revising before posting. Disciple is obviously a talented writer but her piece conceptually bounces around and has too many inconsistencies. For example. The gun is at the back of your head, but you got a green dot on your forehead? Impossible. Really make sure you pay attention to detail when you write because it's important. I know you've got some mental illness issues that make it hard for you to focus or whatever but it'll help improve your writing a lot of you can remain cohesive. In the end, Phal outclassed her and gets my vote.

Vote phal

[Cody Nash]

Disciple, I felt like a few times you use similar rhymes or even the same rhymes to end multiple lines like “no doubt” and it ends up feeling like you wrote the same thought more than once in the same piece. It feels like you could’ve cut out some lines and achieved the same effect with the drop because of that for me. You’ve got a lot of profound emotion and some standout lines and your ability is clear! You just gotta organize a bit better and rough out those edges, get rid of things you maybe said already. A lot of this also echoes similar things you’ve written in pieces, but also things you’ve mentioned in your chat thread. It feels like you can go more creative with it!!!

Phal, yours was good, there was a lot of lines where the wording felt off, the accepted line repeating the idea of accepting rather than picking a better phrase maybe? Things like the spelling issues and words missing letters on some typo vibes in some spots. Like wtone instead of stone lol. Feels like you rushed it out maybe at points, but also had a more complete feeling and concept than Disciple’s drop did for me. The creativity with this was solid for sure. “I can’t help but reflect on that shit” felt outta no where compared to everything before it as far as the narration and vibe of everything else goes. Overall it’s just the better written though and had a good pace to it despite its random flaws here and there. Stood stronger than Dis’s when I got to the end of hers by a bit.

Vote Phalanx.

[Spoken]

This was actually pretty close to me disregarding the mechanics of the writing on both ends and just really thinking about the essence of the story and direction and the capture of both writers drive in this piece. Im not once again... Im not looking at the rhythm nor the mechanics of writing. Im looking at the take of the story. Disciple you have the right emotion and the right mindset when writing but as previously stated it felt repetitive what you were teying to drift across when it comes to the actual story. It was built nicely just didnt close nore hold stable. Its like a scab you kept picking at and leaving to heal just to pick it open again without it ever fully developing. Phal you asshole wish you had shown up on our battle but none the less life hits and im glad to see you back writing and this piece here showed great emotion and your ideas sort of felt short of its potential at times but very minimal the whole writing itself though captivated me and i could out great imagery to each sentence and thats what i loved the most about this battle. Both did exactly that.

But phalanx takes the cake with a more full story and direction.

[Soule]

3-0 phalanx