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Legendary Song - Winter Snow
Last edited by Extinctor Draconis; March 10th, 2010 at 10:59 PM
De Kapitein
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check...i will not be dropping tomorrow due to lack of time contraints
The Surrender
I hear a placid hum, interrupted by a canvas drum
drowning the songs of vastness no longer sung
it’s time to march you dogs the general calls
the machine starts though our feet feel at a pause
the buzz of hope vanishing, gone
"ALL CAPTAINS TO THE FRONT!"
I weave through deserted streets where triumph was lost
to the place where the lion who was now lying had fought
“we cannot grasp what we sought”
“we leave to England by dawn”
his captains stared unprepared for the feeling of distraught
“MARCH”
one by one those who follow the lionheart walk
THE EXODUS
we mourn the journey with not a hope to pray on
flesh torn, shields splintered by the king of the levant
“they hold the city where our brothers died upon”
a raging famine damages like plague this night
killing child and parent taking the vagueness of life
“MARCH!”
silence like a quiet violence
passes the tomb of the Pharaohs
broken by the laughs of pilot
now the land of the womb is in peril
“KEEP MARCHING CAPTAIN”
you never quite get back what the mind gives
we lost the siege,
we lost the city,
........................Palestine lives
De Kapitein
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http://i991.photobucket.com/albums/a...ures/1tele.png
The Matrix
*ring ring*
*ring ring*
The phone acts as my escape to take me safely beyond this mockery
Race back and forth through time and space waging war on digital hypocracy
I pick it up, but the lines dead, no time left, drop it and run to avoid capture
Back ta the chase, running faster than cars, nearly causing time to fracture
It's then I sense the presence meant to end this closely behind me
He swings with bullet speed, I move with ease and counter blindly
But he dodges swiftly, lifts me six feet and sends me through a store display
As I climb out, he pulls a nine out, I quickly hurl shattered glass his way
This distraction lets me back in arms reach I begin attacking rapidly
Repeatin' kidney shots leave him bleedin' orally, he weakens gradually
I stomp the street, breakin' pavement, an uppercut lays him into a wall
Grab a cement piece, within reach, let it release full speed at his skull
Wall gets sprayed red, he lays dead, the change left the body of a spectator
Sounds of cops, phone rings down the block, dash and greet the operator
*Handset drops, Simulation Ended*
I've broken free from this mirage of a balanced earth
Truth that sets you free will make you see free is worse
Fighting for the survival of those ignorant to our works
We will dispurse the system that keeps them contained
Every man, woman, and child will someday be reclaimed
Their advantage fades with each day that I've remained
Stronger than any program, the One that levels the field
My mind is capable of causing these bullets to yield
Causing mainframe damage with any punch that I wield
Programed minds are vessels for wars they can't fight
Direct lines to brains forcefully imposing their might
Truce is impossible, without us they don't survive the night
So I fight on, ignorant to their unbreakable endurance
For the victory we chase, there is no sort of assurance
I was too weak before to create any kind of occurrence
Songs, protests, and poetry only fall victim to weapons
Now I've downloaded centuries of martial arts lessons
Armed to the teeth, ready to unleash and relieve tensions
I see only two factors as if the world was in binary code
Forced to accept their decisions and fit into their mold
But the Revolution has came again, ready to Reload
This is long overdue, but better than never is a late fix
I represent a Neo peace, fighting our Government's Matrix...
Kal-El (Superman right...)- i'm torn. it was nice for what it was. i liked it at least. good images. flow was ok. it was progressing well enough.. but where is the rest ? this seemed like half a piece, or possibly a third of a piece. it was just too incomplete. and the last 4 lines seemed like just a half hearted attempt to make up for it. idk. this could have been dope.. but it took away a lot the way it wasn't finished. wished you would have finished it tho. it started out very nice. would liked to have seen what you would have done with it.
Lyrisic- i honestly didn't really like it. i can see people liking it, but i didn't. the way you word things is very awkward sometimes. honestly i think you try too hard IMO. things should be complex but should come to you with ease. and you want to be descriptive to the senses not with big words. the flow was off and on. at times it was ok then it'd fall off. and the story was simplistic. you used sort of a battle style wordplay at the end which did nothing at all for me. i'm not trying to discourage you at all with your writing by saying any of this. i hope you take it as constructive and try to improve. i think you are going in the right direction, but you haven't made it yet.
Vote- Lyrisic.... although i didn't like his piece it was somewhat complete. i didn't feel cheated by reading it. Kal-El i just felt like i read that short piece and at the end went "....and ?" that should never happen.
WordPerfect
KalKal- lol this piece was getting good and then you stopped it. I felt cheated and wished there was more to it. The flow was average and the vocab was cool, but like qou said, “were is the rest of it at”. This piece was far better then your last piece, but I think you start writing and then your like meh towards the end. I get the same way sometimes, but you gotta try to march through it.
Lyr- lol at you also for this matrix esc type piece. It flowed cool and you can tell the difference between the first and second vesre..glad you pointed that out to me about the whole different perspective thing. I just felt like if you added both those style together you would have a much better piece then what we saw from you this week. I just felt like both verses were missing something . Other then that though I got the story. You should try to come a lil more original or just take some ideas from a piece.
Vote….Lyr more complete story
king- i used the pic wasn't really thinking about the matrix, lol the approach seemed like it was well thought out, i liked the feel and the format of the first verse, also felt like the flow and content blended better there. I think more should have been done to bring the main content somewhere it just seemed sort of one tracked, I would've liked the imagery to stand out more. rhyme scheme was pretty dope and the wordchoices seemed like they could've used a little more polishing. interesting take on the topic though, it was a good read.
Kal- the last line was sort of shocking and gave me a good idea where you were going in the piece. i think you didnt dig deeper into the building up of that very last line. i think more connections should have been used in the verse to make it a clearer distinction of who was surrendering and why. anyways I thought it was a cool read and it seemed like it could've turned out really dope had you took more time to complete.
ok battle, felt like kal didnt put his all into it this week, king came more consistent with originality and topic relevance..
v/king
GreaterDesignGrowers.com
Im not a rapper, im a gardener
Lyrisic (1-1)
Kal-El loses (0-1)
CLOSED
Legendary Song - Winter Snow
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