User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: A Story (me and a girl)

  1. #1
    Banned
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Posts
    5,480
    Battle Record
    12-1

    A Story (me and a girl)

    when me and this girls felt like we were connected
    we made an agreement to be respected
    I have the madest rhymes in town
    maybe,..the best here and around
    this girl is one of the best i've found
    A stroy about how her dad got shot to the ground
    It was very uncomfortable to hear
    i told her," i am so sorry dear"
    me and this girl diein is my only fear
    i havent been scared for over a year
    when i heard about her father i shed a tear
    when she told me,she didnt look like she cared
    i looked into her eyes they look dared
    i was blanked out lookin at her when she stared
    this was gettin weird and now i was scared
    i broke the silence and asked "wanna eat"?
    she just looked at me when i got to my feet
    she scooted over close to me and took my seat
    she just sat there looked at me when i crossed the street
    A car drove by and i heard an Eminem beat
    she started walkin strange and i only had to retreat
    i had had a glanced vison like tbis was a repeat
    i ran back home and locked my door
    i turned around there was blood on the floor
    i looked out my window,there was smoke comin from da store
    all of a sudden my health started to feel poor
    i tokk out sum medication and felt like takin more....
    i went down the street to see my doctor
    my girlfriend was behind my Doc.. and she shot her
    i was so shocked i was almost pyralized
    then when i looked at the floor and relized
    that my mother/ doctor just died
    i saw who the person was who was the killer
    i felt a surge of anger build up wantin to pill her
    and torture her and make her death filled with pain
    this will be a sort of revenge game
    this was revenge for killin my mom
    and now i am gonna kill you,"COME ON!"


    post what ya think and tell me if ya want to see/hear the part (part 2 is great and see what happens next!

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Madik
    Guest
    the story was alright but the rhyming wasn't as good as i expected for a story. The Vocab could be increased, not much since it's a story but just a little more. The concept and storytelling needs to increase a bit more.

  4. #4
    NDN
    Guest
    srry homie wasnt feelin it, i think u could do a lil better than that, keep doin ya thing.

  5. #5
    Banned
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Posts
    5,480
    Battle Record
    12-1
    iight thx.....and just drop morew feed if ya want to see part 2 .....4 this...uppin

  6. #6
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    2,812
    Battle Record
    54-7
    Just like ndn i wasnt feelin it niether.da rhymes were ok,but u coulda done better wit ya vocab.but i think it was good.

  7. #7
    Banned
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Posts
    5,480
    Battle Record
    12-1
    DOES ANYONE WANT TO SEE PART TWO (yes or no) uppin

  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Ace the Prophet's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Denver
    Age
    35
    Posts
    462
    hmmm....the story was ok, flow was kinda sketchy, rhymin was alright...overall i think this was below par. you need to improve on all aspects, i think. no hate, just advice. you'll get there, just look at all the old heads' works and learn from those...

    as for part 2...if it's better than this, sure
    |
    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
    |
    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
    |
    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
    |
    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
    |
    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
    |

  9. #9
    Banned
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Posts
    5,480
    Battle Record
    12-1
    iight....thx uppin

  10. #10
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    In every Nook or Cranny that Hip-Hop has 2 offer. In the souls of the lost soul-jahs that came before us. In Hip-hop itself
    Posts
    992
    Battle Record
    5-5
    i was ok but elvate some

Similar Threads

  1. The Girl....The Story
    By Vokal Rights in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: February 15th, 2004, 07:36 PM
  2. A Story Of A Girl. . .
    By It's Formula in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: January 17th, 2004, 06:19 PM
  3. Her Final Words... sad poem/story. True story? May
    By Civilized Rebel in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: July 30th, 2002, 02:31 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •