Fairy tale

[Neruda II]

A child brought up to belive life for a magical land
Faith in a beautiful future before he could even stand
Stories of faires, magic, and love thats grand
The tale is over and now reality stabs
It grabs, throws, pulls, and smacks
The pain of life where thin love barely fills empty cracks

Slowly the cracks fall apart
Now misery begins and the real life starts

The child now a teenager and cant take more
The dazzling princesses are now revealed as crack whores
The kings riches are gone and and the kingdom left poor
Seems the whole world falls a bit short

Wakes up in the morning, the time is nine
He feels the pain and struggles of life
Instead of the beautiful woman-locked by a insulant wife
His faith in the bible gone-stabbed with a knife by christ
Any life can be destroyed if the price is right
Aging, the man's life flashes before his eyes and he runs out of time

As a todler he's tought lessons from a page
slowly the lessons fade
no one is hearing what hes trying to say
he recognized the pain and starts goin into a craze
now the rage starts to raise
deranged, and in rage, his anger begins a chase
his love for life is slain and tries to find his way out of the maze
blinded by rage
he grabs grenades
he find his victims and begins to spray
he's shot down in his sinister day
there he lay-the evil renegade
he died with his soul stray, died on lifes stage
the clock struck eight....




http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...579#post998579

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=98909

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=98522

[blyndedsoul]

u kno what im gonna say..i likes awhole lot soo true and its amazing how the fairy tales dissentigrate and reality develops it hurts but i really like this kid..keep it up i rally have no suggestions caws its great like this...

[Neruda II]

thanx alot , at least sumone on this site is still alive. any one else read my poem?

[blyndedsoul]

give it time its only been up here today its good peeps will check it and catchy title ....hey peep my stuff if ya get a chance..thanks..

[Neruda II]

uppin

[Neruda II]

stil uppin

[Neruda II]

cmon niggas, i need sum feedback before i could put up another one...

[FanTa ZeE]

yeah..i was feeling it..and i know what you mean about innactivity these days..any way, back to the poem..see, the thing i liked most about it was that it was so true..you portrayed my thoughts and feelings...that life seems great until you grow and become less nieve..you reach a point in life where you realise that its just the same old same old..and you just feel like its never gonna change..as a teenager, lifes the hardest..i been through some shit you probably wouldn't think of..but its taught me a lot..good poem.

[Neruda II]

liba dee, thank you. for, number one, understading my poem, # 2 givin good feedback and not being lazy, number 3 responding, yes, its been dead in this forum....

[Spoken]

so dead its scary

It starts out very nicely written, with good structure and a powerful point to help get your message across. But the further you read into it, the more and more emotion spills into the piece. You used good vocab in this. kept it simple, with your message plainly laid out, made it a strong piece. you showed your thoughts and emotions well with lots of detail, and gave examples that almost anyone can relate to. it was a very nice read.

check out some of my stuff

~Tera~
DONT HATE

[Neruda II]

upped, just want one more opinion, preferably from vet

[Neruda II]

upped

[Varentao]

CLOSED because you have more than two pieces on front page.