A Disciple's Thread

[A Disciple]

I’ve been counting… the last 5 conversations and probably everyone I ever had wy step dad starts with money… yo I can’t stand that shit either but that’s my moms husband… someone like that would NEVER be mine though

- - - Updated - - -
@Candy HELL NO I DONT WANT THAT SHIT UP MY ASS… one person and never again… it hurts… it’s gross… I even got sick to my stomach. It’s funny cause I always saved it for when I found my husband so he could have something no one else ever had but I’m gateful I’ll never marry somebody who like anal and I’ll never do it again

- - - Updated - - -
@Candy cutest post ever… that was shadow… I have a shadow baby and when I get so mad I need to think of her

- - - Updated - - -

Now I’m about to cry @Candy

- - - Updated - - -

My ex just called me cause I texted him I hate you letter by letter… I’m so fucking confused

- - - Updated - - -

The only time I can cry is when I drink

- - - Updated - - -

It’s why I pray for death and not afraid to die cause I have 2 more shadows over there too and my dad now and like ��

- - - Updated - - -

Fight of my life? Fuck you it’s bull shit and not even worth it!!! I was fine… minding my own business and even saw my pyre and then this… like why they even have the rite. I know now how they knew

- - - Updated - - -

I just always discredited him and don’t want to miss again if that’s what’s up but I doubt it

- - - Updated - - -

If being with him hurts someone else it can’t be right

- - - Updated - - -

But I still love him still and that’s when it hurts

[Candy]

atleast your still in connection just take care of each other

[A Disciple]

@Candy I do he knows I have his back and vice versa… I’m just fucked up cause when I was on my I want a baby he was like let’s go and I was like no… back then he sold drugs and being mentally unstable I couldn’t risk the primary or strongest parent in jail. He went straight after getting busted and serving 3 years and like it’s where I fucked up. He is a GREAT father and a STAND UP not some bum mother effer man. And he knows me… he’s said a lot about me that he noticed that I didn’t even realize he was paying attention like how I usually only get grouchy when I’m tired and stuff like that… and I love him but I just don’t think he’s capable of the relationship I need - like how we were before… that’s why I say I don’t want to discredit or dismiss him and make a mistake again! But he’s way more sexually advanced than me with 3 somes and stuff and I’m just not into or capable of that… Another chicks VV is gross to me and stuff like that…

[Candy]

respect well it is what it is
i love your pic
is that you or your two girls

[A Disciple]

@Candy that’s me and I don’t have 2 girls… I might’ve had one girl when I was 13 right before my 14th bday but if I had twins I think the other one was a boy because I remember my friend taking mookie to an aa meeting and when he saw me he jumped in my arms and squeezed my cheeks so hard I had a scar a couple of years from his finger nail… but like being crazy I have to accept if you have children you would know this… except I was in mental at the time and them drs do what ever the f they want!!!!!! I remember hypnotism… and it’s illegal now so I can’t fix it and know that that isn’t what is getting me hit.

[Candy]

well my first thought was that is a very pretty girl and it was you soo there was lots of love

[Candy]

- - - Updated - - -

i am just listening to this

i remember when it first came out i was a ruff ryders fan n jada and bubba just made a new track n it was dope that wwiii



- - - Updated - - -

who do you think would win i got the easter bunny

[A Disciple]

@Candy they both were hysterical and hard to chose but Kahn I think… who do you think?

- - - Updated - - -
@Candy 2 live crew oh snap… like when I woke up I also realized how I knew all the words to “Dirty Nusery Rhymes” and my dad had a pic of me driving the boat with a Chicago Bulls hat on too… and then I remembered my brother getting cursed the fuck out for thongs on the boat… and that’s when I went huh?

- - - Updated - - -
@Candy yeah I’ve heard that bubba song before too… he’s good! But as far as commercial, underground and trap I was raised on DJ Clue mix tapes so I tend to like the hard core and one of my exes would laugh and I told him it’s probably cause I come from heavy metal ties. I love the song but it’s a little too commercial for me.

- - - Updated - - -

I was just listening to Mobb Deep… and laughing at head burn off day and flying and speeding and etc… things that really embarrassed me that I came to terms with. And I LOVE Guns N’ Roses but I heard this one line that makes me question “Now you don’t walk so proud” and that’s mad fucked up to me cause I been bitched liked that before too. And like what’s wrong with walking proud? Everyone should…

- - - Updated - - -

One time I tried to be cute in front of another one of my exes friends to make a good impression not flirting and I tripped going up the stairs type ishh… I just smh… I hate that I walk with my head down now

- - - Updated - - -

I don’t want anybody to make it up to me… I don’t need anybody to make it up to me… they just need to respect my decision and my old friends are GONE with a never to return even if you need help in the worst way. I have absolutely zero love and heart left for them and my niece is more than capable of handling that flying ish that I still don’t really understand what that’s about.

[Candy]

yeh iwas bumpen mob deep album for a bit they brought round about time that gunit i think signed em i was rocking that one

[A Disciple]

It’s like some perpetual circle of hell that I can’t seem to break out of but I know when I start kissing my hands and shit I’m going down QUICK… and SICK again!

- - - Updated - - -

I thought Em signed G unit? @Candy

[A Disciple]

I thought I had this one posted… from a sacred scriptures battle

Gone Girl

I was 25 when they said schizophrenia it was an immaculate blow
It was mass hysteria as the tears busted out my eyes and just flowed
Sometimes when Im alone in my car driving, I just cry
I was never prepared for the inside out just watching my brain die
I’m still in here… it’s me I’m still me
Talking myself through all the illusions of insanity
Diagnosis came firm on bipolar 1 and PTSD
There is no cure for the disease that kills you socially
You know when you get drunk, black out, and wake up to hear all the stupid shit you done?
It’s pretty much the same thing, only I ain’t even do irresponsible shit to cause it – so I just run
Run girl… so fast and so free… runaway or running… from the sickness inside you can’t see
I did everything the drs told me to do… but I still get sick
Sober 8 years and finally said fuck you, you psych prick
I’m faded… it’s easier faded so bitch fuck a 1 I’m on 2
Because sometimes angels are all I see when psych has me tied to the bed too
It is especially hard to be tied down since my assault
But I guess it’s easier for the drs to manage the ward then they act like it’s our own fault
Most times its to my quiet secret place I soar to just get some rest
And I think back to 16 when I was his vest…
I was covering him would it have been best if I had gone then
Cause all this shit that takes place after I can’t deal even back to way back when
Cause ever since, I’ve always been on the outside looking in
The meds… you wanna talk about the meds, the weight, and the fog
Cause I actually get better advice listening to DMX when he talking about the snake, rat and the dog
It’s liberating once you learn to not give a fuck about what anyone think or says
But it’s all so superficial like sweating these 50lbs I gained from the meds
If I had Alzheimer’s would they laugh less, cause it’s progressive
I can’t remember shit without a list now and some things I become so obsessive (like writing)
My biggest fear is what happens when my mind is gone, they can’t bring me back, and my body is still here
I know Jesus know… you know sometimes I am just sitting and I feel a presence and out my eye I drop one tear
I’m just trying to make it all clear and I can paint that other world with words - and you know even sometimes it makes sense?
Then I remind myself you just gone girl… don’t get caught up in the pretense

- - - Updated - - -

My mom told me to write a book and help other people with mental illness… I’m gonna try and I’m a call it WELCOME TO HELL

[Candy]

yeh dre

[A Disciple]

@Candy do you ever get into a zone where you don’t feel like yourself and you don’t hear like yourself? If so, how do you break it?!?

- - - Updated - - -

I know…. But I be bored a lot

- - - Updated - - -

I have like $20 until NEXT Monday type sucks and like… it’s a living hell beyond comprehension since I woke up and if one part gets better 3 more get worse

[Candy]

yeh all the time my fiance had boarderline dissorder so she had no feeling but in anal sex it was too deep so even people with 0 feeling can have feeling still

[A Disciple]

I don’t like their religion and I don’t like their culture… why am I forced in it against my choice and will?

- - - Updated - - -

Yo gay men aren’t wooses I only did it with one person cause they caught me drunk and blacked out but the pain alone woke me up and the horrible noises I was making was weird as hell too… I can’t stand the ish I’ll never do it again!

- - - Updated - - -

Like will I ever find a man that hates it too?!? Cause HELL NO and if you can’t provide they will get provided for and I’m not with that cheating shit either if you committed… at least if things are going good.

- - - Updated - - -
@Candy I started venting again… didn’t realize you were still talking but I asked you some questions I’m interested in hearing your opinion… cause I need HELP or more like advice cause I just feel like it’s a zone you can relate to…

- - - Updated - - -

I didn’t jump back in though!!!!! I did when they came no not here either and now that I’m awake and understand a lot more - love or a relationship is HARDLY my priority. Especially with people I KNOW I DONT LOVE AND NEVER WILL!!!!

- - - Updated - - -

Everyone wanna jump on the July 4th band wagon and if he, they come from you?!?? No thank you homie… I can find my own man! You can pay me though… like is that’s what’s up? Mother fuckers think they gonna get paid?!??

- - - Updated - - -

Cesar’s war? I heard he made his soliders have sex with each other so like I’m a female and they male… and I’m not against bisexual shit I just don’t and won’t do it. Like it’s rare but Herero does exist and it actually puts me at a disadvantage!

- - - Updated - - -

And why is it taking like all of me not to smoke weed right now… I don’t even smoke weed like that!!!!!! Like… it feels like my entire self and balance is just off and I can’t stand it!!!!

- - - Updated - - -

Good game… that’s what all this and the past 30 years was? Like I’m not even nosy and everyone all in MY business behind my back at that as well? Not even reporting accurately if somehow I’m the one fucked and like…

- - - Updated - - -

Like A and B is right there and C writing is over here… and like why don’t people just ask if they’re confused for real.

- - - Updated - - -

Like how you just going to attach yourself to somebody that isn’t even your creed or religion to even begin with? Then they going to try to tell me it is? You can’t pick my god for me either and it’s obvious we don’t have the same one so like…

- - - Updated - - -

Who had some low life low moral sociopathic bitch waking me up to even begin with?!?????? Let me find out it happened again and that’s the past 8 years of straight hell and abuse I’ve been in!!!!

- - - Updated - - -

I got to go… I want weed and these days I refuse to squirm or feel uncomfortable over matters that petty…