Nigma vsd Lionheart ****Open for Votes****

[143]

Check in by 11:59pm 8/9

verses by 8/11

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http://t07.deviantart.net/u7CZifBRtD...11-dac8sjl.jpg

@Nigma @Lionheart

[Nigma]

Check

[Nigma]

Every cliff has ledges and I’ve eclipsed the edge
I’ve fallen for him, and it’s a bliss of heaven.
It was just a text.. I mean, I liked an Instagram pic of him flexing
He ignored me, was a bit pretentious, I’ll forgive this blemish
In fact, there's a hidden quest within this cryptic message
He’s been driven reckless by this distant friendship.
So I’ll track his steps, kiss him, and insist we end it
I travelled to his pad, entered through the hidden exit
Hid up in the attic till he got home, I heard distant laughter
A girl.. Hes not alone. I lost it. Ran down with my vision red
I stomped towards as if I was walking on his pictures legs
He said “I’m gonna have to ask you something” but it didn’t matter
I said “NO! I get it.” tripped her, then I stomped the bitches head in
That didn't make me a living legend.. a scissors creavace could snip the tension
Turns out he’s single, loved me back, and that was his sister friend
And the question he wanted to ask was if the 2 of us could live together.

[Soule]

I've always placed my faith in my mistakes in order to escape change,
deranged fate chased me into a cage where I got older and craved rage.
Never sober, cocaine stains all over my face left me in strange ways,
depraved grace to retain hate toward who helped make this insane pain.
I've swayed from chances for any advancement, jobs and colleges,
I've always blamed God's astonishment for my lost accomplishments.
Flaws demolished with all this shit since my mom dropped her sins,
she got a grip on something positive, I'm still convinced it's not omniscient.
I've been deprived of life and my spine withholds the knife of the suspect,
behind these eyes is a mind that thrives on suicide but subsides; collect.
There's spies in the night so dim the lights and watch the blinds reflect,
half the time I can see Jesus Christ, but that's only if I rewind my cassette.

All the potential in the world and he depends on drugs,
holding himself back with no intent for love.
This is living proof of how much your decisions mean,
so please make sure to keep living your dreams.

[Emily]

Nigma, I like the story you told, and the fact that you addressed the pic.
My only real issue was that I wished you could have rhymed a bit more.
Just my own personal thing though. I just love the rhymes. That's not to say you
didn't rhyme of course, just.....wish there was more of it.
Also, '...I stomped towards as if I was walking on his pictures legs...' on his...pictures legs?
Edit: Ok, I got it, 'pictures legs', but it just sounds a little odd, to me.
And, '...Turns out he’s single, loved me back, and that was his sister friend...' Sister, or, sister's friend?
I mean, if there can be sister wives, lol, maybe there can be sister friend. lol
I think you did a good job of the story line Nigma. Good story.


Lionheart,
I really struggled on the first read, to actually see the reference to the pic in your story.
I just couldn't see it off the bat, like I could with Nigma's piece.
So I read it again, and came to the conclusion that this man you speak of in your tale is stepping on
his own life, on his own body, on his own dreams. Self sabotage. And if that's the way it's meant to be,
I think you did a good job. It's not an obvious portrayal of the pic, but it's a pretty clever angle to come with.
I also like the way the story line fell. I like the poetry used, the way it flowed, the rhymes.

So at the end of the day, even though I think Nigma's piece was clearer and the story was cool,
for me it lacked the obvious flow I'm looking for. The fluidity of the piece just wasn't as strong
as Lionheart's imo.

Both were well written, but at the end of the day, I have to go with.....


v - Lionheart.

[The Law]

Nigma - Storyline was cool with what you were given. Pretty shitty pic so there was much to do with it, however, I thought the ending was pretty humorous so thats a plus. Writing and technical wise your verse seemed very rushed and like you didn't care much for it. Seemed to be a bunch of Miswording or words missing a letter that makes it read awkward and some bars didn't rhyme (laughter, together, legs and red and far stretch for me) Because of this the flow was up and down throughout the piece, some bars seemed to run smooth and others got off track.

Lionheart - This was a decent drop with what you were given. Wish is was more of a direct reflection of the picture cause in some ways it was off base to what I see in the picture and in your verse, but nonetheless, I can still see where you got the idea from the picture to a point but it's vague. I feel it would have been much better if you would have ended it with something that can provide both the metaphor and the imagery into the picture. TBH this is why picture topics don't work as well as just a straight up topic. Technical wise it was sound and flowed well. It had some good rhyme schemes although a couple of the end rhymes you butchered syllable wise, I could tell right away when I read it. (blinds reflect/rewind my cassette and the last bar are examples)

Overall - Rough picture to write for and rough battle to vote on. Thought nigma did better relating directly to the picture, where as Lionhearts verse was more polished and fluently written. Tough call, but I felt Nigma had too many mistakes technical wise in this one to get the vote from me.

MVGT: Lionheart

[143]

LionHeart moves on....