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@Viral @143
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@Viral @143
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Best Topical Writer: 143
Last edited by Soule; February 20th, 2016 at 01:49 AM
https://martialartsnewyorkdotorg.fil...full.jpg?w=497
Torches fill the streets in smoke,
dreams that'd float sink into concrete roads,
bodies dropping with glee and hope,
police killing folks on sight, quarantined souls.
My baseball bat's a faithful chap,
we're seeking a painful wrath as I swing alone,
a hateful past carries me to a grateful path,
like angel's grasp onto my family's woe.
I strangle cats on a journey to mangle rats,
believing that deceiving them will untangle facts.
Footsteps fill the streets with symphony,
pleas without sympathy, like beasts without empathy.
Children pointlessly bleed through history,
women being raped are to weak to even weep.
I continue to smash heads until breathing's seized
as firemen drag dead out of burning buildings.
Deaf from explosions and gunshots, it's feeling dire,
between corrosion and blood clots, I'm really tired.
Ribcage bruised black and blue, skin peeling from fire,
I spew ash, puke, glass and a tooth just kneeling for awhile.
Rain fills the streets with a second chance,
while washing the blood from damaged plants.
I laid there staring at the sky, glaring at Christ,
wondering why I barely survived the daring fight.
I was meant to die in this war,
like a knight on a sword, now my pride is sore,
what honor do I get now that I've taken lives?
No longer do I stress the idea of sanctioned ties,
I fought to progress from one's ancient lies.
Now my family's legacy is buried beneath city lights.
Hello, my name is Amsterdam, and this is a glimpse into my life.
Welcome to New York.
Last edited by Soule; February 15th, 2016 at 03:01 PM
And my thoughts were imaginative, wrapped in the secular
Her messenger exposing expenditures to the molecular
Grossing in the despair, fairing battered tolls, bringing grief
Boasting care, yet digressing in tattered rolls, stinging brief
Crying pleas fall on deafened earlobes hanging on for dear life
Compensating for the blind rage gauging wrong in fear's sight
Each blow is an recollection of times that met me with ire
Teach those who brought this conclusion to my finger's forefront
Stored and blunted till the strength finds escapism's fresh air
I summarize the situation with my braggadocio in her sore cunt
Sullen tears fertilize the crimson stain as life become opaque
Snowing the reality from the wants of outros to the latest
Seeing a blank canvas, she rewrites her intentions to be innate
Somehow re-configuring me from my monstrous image into the greatest
Kissing as if the beast can be beseech the pain not yet identified
Missing the soften hands that held flowers, the stain intensifies
Her eyes is that of a burning quasar, light emits as I pull on clothes
Trailing spots of her blood appraising the fight and the wrongness opposed
Redressing the muscles as she lay dripping with my fruit nectar
Forcing seeding to produce the middling of us as the brute center
She calls for the end of the collection of tolls for she is broken without pay
Going in another direction where this infection is smoking and blown away
"I can feel the pain you harbor like a life raft in a curious sea"
"Wanting to hit land but your barber at the cast in a furious glee"
"And I want to apologize for what has happen for I cannot bring relief"
"For your sacrificial life idolized and my wellness cannot be agreed...."
https://ressurrection.files.wordpres...ence.jpg?w=640
Clashing of glass and strained nerves freeze time
Preserving the adjustment that curves breeze by
Redness forces itself on the walls to color her redecoration
Regurgitating the retribution initiated by my insubordination
Filing the votes to impeach the tyrant from ruling further
Calling justice with a dirty coat and top hat "Murder"
Paying the fulfilled price with that brutish beast that was my life
Killing my imaginative secular thoughts decreasing her strife
http://www.kaieteurnewsonline.com/im.../02/harris.jpg
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Best Topical Writer: 143
Viral- You brought the chaos of the painting to life, the 2nd stanza was really the stand out for me in terms of the imagery and vocab choice, The 3rd was really nice as well, along with the final punchline and the emotional content of a soldier who survived a fight he was meant to die in. The rhyme scheme was multi-heavy and contained some good switches of scheme here and there, but I felt that sometimes you were leaning on the rhyme aspect of the piece at the sacrifice of telling the story. Overall this was strong, punchy with far more positive points than negative.
143- Domestic abuse eh? Dark, just how I like my topicals. Very poetic, vocab and rhyme scheme heavy piece that painted the mental state of an abuse sufferer followed by their final retaliation. I would say this piece would've been stronger if those aspects had been dialed back some, strong vocab is great but sometimes too much can obscure the meaning and multi-tasting bars always help the flow of the piece but sometimes can have a negative impact in the word choice. You tied to 2 pictures together well and the imagery was generally strong.
Tough call, but my vote is going to...
Vote- Viral, edged it on his imagery and word choice IMO
Interesting battle.
Viral: I loved the set tone of this piece that reminded me of a topical I written on myself. More less it represented iron will and retribution entirely into one setting. Your flow wasn't too choppy and held my eyes steady without skipping a beat. Nothing to majorly over complex with vocabulary. Just enough to suit it's presentation. However, I think more imagery should of been implemented to give more feeling to the piece rather just emotional depths. Not a bad read though.
143: One of the more realistic topics I have to admit touched in certain factors. Such a sad read as well that portrays pain bearing through human complications. Nobody likes domestic violence, but in situations like these based on true events that occur daily. Furthermore, I enjoyed the flow of this piece with the usual displaced vocabulary used accordingly. Like I mentioned with Virals topical. I think this lacked consistency of imagery that didn't capture that true raw pain portrait. Not a major issue just some observations.
Overall, 143 gmv considering his storylines was more compelling to the eye that can relate within true events. I still enjoyed Viral breaking ground of solitude. Both were quite the read with very different approach's to the scene.
The end of a Revelation.... But a Clever Word always illustrated.
Viral, aka Mr Hardy, your rhyme scheme right off the bat, from your intro is interesting. It's got an obvious beat to it, it's enjoyable to read when that melodic tone does it's thing. I'm impressed not only by your internals but also by the sheer descriptions you've given, really personifying the picture of war you put up. Although you gave it plenty of descriptions, I feel it could have done with a little more heart and soul, ie: passion and pain. I would have loved to have felt a little more torn by loss. That's not to say that you didn't have so much to say, you did, and you said it well, I just felt that you could have gone a little deeper with the fury and fever of war. Lovely story telling though. Your story line is interesting and your dance of rhyme is good. Very impressive writing Mr Hardy. Good to have you on board.
143, you tackle subject matters in a way that I appreciate. You manage to put yourself in her shoes, and his shoes and we feel the agony of suffering, the torment of such an isolated feeling like abuse. The pictures you put up back the story well and give an imprint of the situation you describe. You have so many amazing words backing up the situation, line after line of detail giving us more than we bargained for in a piece about hurt. Your rhyme scheme may have suffered a little due to vocab choices, impressive as they are, sometimes I would have liked the flow to take me away and let me forget I'm reading. Still, very impressive job.
I'm a little conflicted with these two drops. I feel one rhymed in a hell bent fashion, which personally, I love, but may have sacrificed some deep and meaningful passion where war and loss is related. And the other, had to die for descriptions but I sometimes stagnated on the flow, which froze my mental pictures in time until they thawed and continued to put me in a place of hardship and ill-treatment.
Ok, I feel I have to give this one to 143, for taking me deeper (lol) and making me hurt more (lol) and bruising my sensibilities.
I think it just touched me on a deeper level. I'm very impressed by both drops gentlemen, it's been an absolute pleasure reading them. Thank you.
V- 143
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Torches fill the streets in smoke,
dreams that'd float sink into concrete roads,
bodies dropping with glee and hope,
police killing folks on sight, quarantined souls.
My baseball bat's a faithful chap,
we're seeking a painful wrath as I swing alone,
a hateful past carries me to a grateful path,
like angel's grasp onto my family's woe.
I strangle cats on a journey to mangle rats,
believing that deceiving them will untangle facts.
^^^Your intro was basically flawless. I thought your wording and flow were both superb here. Also, the vocab and just language used in general were both on point.
Now
As the piece progressed it stayed consistent. The rhyme scheme was well laid and written, which made for a very smooth read. My only grip however, is that after the intro there wasn't really a climax. I mean it was up to par the entire way through, but nothing surpassed the intro in terms of excitement. Thus, the read, although nicely written, was kind of flat. Still good stuff nonetheless.
143:
When I first started reading your verse I thought to myself that this battle was going to be a runaway in Viral's favor. I was like, "Ahhh shit...here we go with the super complex imagery and damn near incomprehensible language". But, I suppose you heard me thinking that
Because just as soon as I thought it you dropped the bomb.
I summarize the situation with my braggadocio in her sore cunt
Sullen tears fertilize the crimson stain as life become opaque
Snowing the reality from the wants of outros to the latest
Seeing a blank canvas, she rewrites her intentions to be innate
Somehow re-configuring me from my monstrous image into the greatest
Kissing as if the beast can be beseech the pain not yet identified
Missing the soften hands that held flowers, the stain intensifies
Her eyes is that of a burning quasar, light emits as I pull on clothes
Trailing spots of her blood appraising the fight and the wrongness opposed
Redressing the muscles as she lay dripping with my fruit nectar
Forcing seeding to produce the middling of us as the brute center
She calls for the end of the collection of tolls for she is broken without pay
Going in another direction where this infection is smoking and blown away
"I can feel the pain you harbor like a life raft in a curious sea"
"Wanting to hit land but your barber at the cast in a furious glee"
"And I want to apologize for what has happen for I cannot bring relief"
"For your sacrificial life idolized and my wellness cannot be agreed...."
Clashing of glass and strained nerves freeze time
Preserving the adjustment that curves breeze by
Redness forces itself on the walls to color her redecoration
Regurgitating the retribution initiated by my insubordination
Filing the votes to impeach the tyrant from ruling further
Calling justice with a dirty coat and top hat "Murder"
Paying the fulfilled price with that brutish beast that was my life
Killing my imaginative secular thoughts decreasing her strife
From that first line til the last word had me jaw dropped and amazed. You packed so much thought into each line. I'm beyond impressed.
I'm not sure, but I might just be, hmmm...is this the best verse this round? It's a strong contender. It definitely gives you a solid chance at beating any of us. Maybe your best verse in a long while. Just dope.
Vote -- 143
Close battle. Definitely the best battle overall. But 143 slightly takes the dub.
Peace....
Good battle guys it was a tough call for me.
Mr. Viral Hardy, really dug the approach, tone, and overall styling of this piece man. I thought you brought your picture to life with your imagery. Very strong opening stanza there. It kind of trailed off a bit in the second with some lazy wording, but it came back again in the last part.
Favorite Lines:
"Torches fill the streets in smoke,
dreams that'd float sink into concrete roads,
bodies dropping with glee and hope,
police killing folks on sight, quarantined souls."
That opening definitely was nice. Great flow and it read very well. Lazy wording is a huge pet peeve of mine haha, there isn't a ton of it, though and it's still a solid piece.
143, definitely killed it with the sense of tone here man. The first part was suspenseful, striking at some emotions that many can relate to. The imagery and style you used was nice, like a sense of chaos and unsure of what was going to happen. Until it was the smash of the glass, and all hell broke loose.
Favorite Lines:
"Clashing of glass and strained nerves freeze time
Preserving the adjustment that curves breeze by
Redness forces itself on the walls to color her redecoration
Regurgitating the retribution initiated by my insubordination"
Nice tone setting there, coupled with some dope vocabulary. Good stuff for sure man. Some flow in places was awkward, but a minor gripe.
This was a close battle guys, I had to read it lots. Both came pretty strongly, Hardy coming with a dope style, but I think 143 was wise to use the emotional aspect to bring some impact to his verse.
Vote -143
I look forward to seeing more gentlemen!
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4-1
@143 you've earned this win mate but best believe I'll be coming for that rematch.
VIRAL/MR. HARDY
Rhyme scheme right of the bat, let me get that out of the way now. It set the tone for your flow and it went well with your writing. Wasn’t a consistent rhyme but I didn’t mind that. I may have to frame my SS reviews more around the rhymes and such, but what I’m really looking for is dope content that is sharp and precise. First bar? You got that. I read the strangle cats line as strangling gangsters to kill the rats (i.e. mole). Dk if that was meant to be a metaphor but yeah I read it that way. ‘A hateful past’. I’d like to know more with that. Show me, man. I want to feel the passion, the heart and soul of that hate. Want to feel the scars that fuel your narrator and it’d go a long way to bringing more life to your work.Torches fill the streets in smoke,
dreams that'd float sink into concrete roads,
bodies dropping with glee and hope,
police killing folks on sight, quarantined souls.
My baseball bat's a faithful chap,
we're seeking a painful wrath as I swing alone,
a hateful past carries me to a grateful path,
like angel's grasp onto my family's woe.
I strangle cats on a journey to mangle rats,
believing that deceiving them will untangle facts.
‘Children pointlessly bleed through history.’ That’s a strong line, and more on the lines of what I’m looking for. You paint an eloquent picture of chaos, death, and pain of this burning New York landscape full of gangs and guns and rioting. This might be the best bar of the entire thing. Scenery, descriptions… Though I still feel like we’re missing motivation. Motivation doesn’t necessarily come into every piece, but in the style we’re going here; it’s like a story so the same rules do apply.Footsteps fill the streets with symphony,
pleas without sympathy, like beasts without empathy.
Children pointlessly bleed through history,
women being raped are to weak to even weep.
I continue to smash heads until breathing's seized
as firemen drag dead out of burning buildings.
Deaf from explosions and gunshots, it's feeling dire,
between corrosion and blood clots, I'm really tired.
Ribcage bruised black and blue, skin peeling from fire,
I spew ash, puke, glass and a tooth just kneeling for awhile.
I don’t know if you could have worded it better, huh, now I might like this bar the best. That first line has such an excellent concept behind it. Bringing a personified air to the city itself. Rain washes away the pain and loss, cleaning away the dirty past to give a second chance to learn and grow. I think this piece could be infinitely better if you latched more onto that line of thinking and it’d add layers upon layers to this. I understand the sense of a soldierly loss here, being a survivor. Survivor’s guilt and the struggle of what to do next with life. Mainly, we’re missing the heartbeat of our narrator, more rooted descriptions and the right words that connect us with him on a human level.Rain fills the streets with a second chance,
while washing the blood from damaged plants.
I laid there staring at the sky, glaring at Christ,
wondering why I barely survived the daring fight.
I was meant to die in this war,
like a knight on a sword, now my pride is sore,
what honor do I get now that I've taken lives?
No longer do I stress the idea of sanctioned ties,
I fought to progress from one's ancient lies.
Now my family's legacy is buried beneath city lights.
Is this something of a tribute to Gangs of New York? Just noting the striking similarities to Leo’s Amsterdam from the film. Amsterdam would be a good mode to follow if I’m talking about the soul of the character, the soul of the work. He has revenge on the mind and he finally gets it, but what does he have in the end? Kind of up for us to decide.Hello, my name is Amsterdam, and this is a glimpse into my life.
Welcome to New York.
143
These lines seem to be more in the perspective of the man, the abuser. Domestic abuse, one hell of a dark topic of choice but definitely an important one. You do it justice too. A lot of people talk about vocabulary and you’ve got an expansive one. One of the things I look carefully for is if I think someone’s being bombastic just for the sake of showing off the words they know how to use. However, I don’t believe you have too much filler here or that the words feel purpose-less. You do a great job with the word selection, and they feel necessary. You got the macho feel of the abuser down. Braggadocio on her sore cunt was one hell of a fucking line, man. Oh, your rhyme scheme and flow were on point too. I also like how you humanized the abuser as though his punches were brought on by the rage and fury from abuse in their past. After all, an abuser tends to come from a poor past.And my thoughts were imaginative, wrapped in the secular
Her messenger exposing expenditures to the molecular
Grossing in the despair, fairing battered tolls, bringing grief
Boasting care, yet digressing in tattered rolls, stinging brief
Crying pleas fall on deafened earlobes hanging on for dear life
Compensating for the blind rage gauging wrong in fear's sight
Each blow is an recollection of times that met me with ire
Teach those who brought this conclusion to my finger's forefront
Stored and blunted till the strength finds escapism's fresh air
I summarize the situation with my braggadocio in her sore cunt
Sullen tears fertilize the crimson stain as life become opaque
Snowing the reality from the wants of outros to the latest
Here, seems like we move more into the perspective of the abused. We feel the development here, the bubbling up of her own fury after another abusive moment with this man. The words you chose to describe sex are tasteful and to the point. But it still leaves that dirty, sour taste in our mouths. This is brutal, and there’s no other way to put it. Man, everyone’s doing the dialogue quotations this week and everyone seems to be nailing it. It’s poetic, it flows, and the lines are on point.Seeing a blank canvas, she rewrites her intentions to be innate
Somehow re-configuring me from my monstrous image into the greatest
Kissing as if the beast can be beseech the pain not yet identified
Missing the soften hands that held flowers, the stain intensifies
Her eyes is that of a burning quasar, light emits as I pull on clothes
Trailing spots of her blood appraising the fight and the wrongness opposed
Redressing the muscles as she lay dripping with my fruit nectar
Forcing seeding to produce the middling of us as the brute center
She calls for the end of the collection of tolls for she is broken without pay
Going in another direction where this infection is smoking and blown away
"I can feel the pain you harbor like a life raft in a curious sea"
"Wanting to hit land but your barber at the cast in a furious glee"
"And I want to apologize for what has happen for I cannot bring relief"
"For your sacrificial life idolized and my wellness cannot be agreed...."
And there we have our ending. Violent retribution, revenge. An end to the madness and abuse with death. Justice looks as ugly as the abuse it seems to be pointed out there. And we also have the narrator’s view even in death. He paid the price for his actions, he no longer has his thoughts because they’re gone, and the trade off is she can live in a little more peace; or maybe not. No real ending here other than death and silence. Unsettling. Really nice work 143.Clashing of glass and strained nerves freeze time
Preserving the adjustment that curves breeze by
Redness forces itself on the walls to color her redecoration
Regurgitating the retribution initiated by my insubordination
Filing the votes to impeach the tyrant from ruling further
Calling justice with a dirty coat and top hat "Murder"
Paying the fulfilled price with that brutish beast that was my life
Killing my imaginative secular thoughts decreasing her strife
I’m voting for 143 on this one. I think he came in stronger, and his wording was more precise and sharp. There was more soul, more life in here that I felt Viral was missing. Viral, I think you have some really dope concepts and with more improvement I might find myself voting for you often.
“Those whom life does not cure death will. The world is quite ruthless in selecting between the dream and the reality, even where we will not. Between the wish and the thing the world lies waiting.”
Mr. Hardy
This was a dope drop. I liked what you did with the picture. You set the mood of the piece really well and it all tied in together. I liked the contrast of torches/rain filling the streets from the first stanza and the 3rd. I just wish I "knew" the person behind the piece. You mentioned the character's family legacy in the end so that kind of made me want to know what the legacy was lol. But other than that, I liked this a lot.
143, damn that was harsh. Plucking on my feeling strings over here lol. The topic I can definitely relate to. Maybe not to the extent of death, but it's definitely something I've seen a lot of around here. I felt you wrote this in a way that made it hard not to resonate with a reader that can relate. Very nice poetical feel to this that drove it home. Good job.
Vote - 143
Real close match. Probably my favorite match up and figures it was the last one I read lol. Very different approaches and concepts. I feel both could win depending on the reader. I hate having to pick a winner in these types of situations but 143 got my vote because his piece sat with me for a while after I read it. The topic hits close to home.
A.i
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