A Disciple's Thread

[A Disciple]

Pac Jay z get some for the research on mental health too… I understood every word he said and usually that is my problem - they don’t like me and I don’t like some of them either

[A Disciple]

Ok so my dream is me and my bf gonna make some money out of all the anguish and writing and selling his or our story may be it BUT he told me if he come into money he got to pay for jail at something crazy like $50k per year. THATS 25 years so I started laughing like we’ll have to get a lawyer and compromise and get some donations up for real cause NEITHER of us have retirement either and we old like just about 15 yrs left for it

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That’s one thing being crazy taught me like fuck it no filter just say it… unless I’m in your face cause my smile and wave truly over take me

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I cashed my retirement in after Gabriel died like YOLO and that’s why I bought the sky (Saturn) too cause I never knew when my brain gonna go for good… I don’t regret living like a celebrity for 6 months at $30k. Like at least I got to experience that fun and freedom. Like the bank rep who let go of my funds hours early when I was at the casino and stuff. Like I’m not mad at everybody and it feel like the ones you do like and love stay away when they think they’re the ones you talking to

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I saw a car I loved that could’ve been the next step but I can’t but when I saw it my bf like there you are… I’m trying to reestablish my credit and praying I can last more then a few years.

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Well… not to sob storY you all but I haven’t been in the hospital like 4-5 years now I think. So it’s like waiting for the big one or oh shittttt pac a genius for real though

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“For the brand they wanna toast me” … Corolla but it was all matted blacked out type. Like ok you right… if I tightened up a little more I could’ve BUT what if I can’t hang again and maintain

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2 cars repoed in the same year one of them twice is like funny to say sort talking about when you fall you fall but it’s real… if I do get credit back I can’t fuck it up again

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The scariest part of psych and the hospital is I don’t remember, I’m not even there, but sometimes they get the entire story as I see it but not how it happened. Why don’t they try to ask me to my face for real. Or treat me like a person. My civil rites like WHOAAA

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Mental health need a clean up… on the I want to get better too campaign. They don’t even keep files longer then 7 years by law. That’s the retention period for an expense report. I’ve been sick since I was 13 with mental illness…how am I supposed to get better when the drs don’t even talk to each other or share files and like

On a side note my neighbor keeps clicking his car cause I’ve been sitting in my car writing for over an hour now - so I feel like why I got to go in when I’m chilling (but you see how skittish I get over the tiniest things…

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I don’t know I talk too much and say too much. My bf stay reminding me of that

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I was the “I rather be paid then popular” in that Nelly Furtado song but as I realize how hated I really was I was like whoa and that give me a conscience type insecurity now too. Like yooo I’m weird as FUCK eye to eye frpm all the trauma and like I just realized they were all locking their doors going to bed cause our parking lot get run thru all the time. And then I think of my moms and I have to pay her back… my family always does… the $30 k was my 401k and pension not hers but I owe her a lot for supporting me so long alone

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Dissability denied me like 8x now I think…

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Like most companies don’t let you be out 9x a year so how if I’m in the hospital 9x alone in one year am I supposed to keep a job… the recovery 1-2 and I even had a 6 month long too… now I just stay zoning pretty much like STILL recovering ain’t been out the zone yet

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Just trying to learn how to live an adapt and don’t need old enemies extra…

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So it was cool when we all were on the site and didn’t even get to the oh shit that was you and your part too part… and my man got a part and like…

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I do always say let it be beautiful but will also be the first to say it’s like cleaning and organizing - it get REAL messy before it get better

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Nah like a lot of the extra and stuff and the spiritual shit I didn’t even agree to… I’m in a year contract with my bf at least we talked about it. How you get to do all that and not even ask though and like

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It’s that hard to trust these days…

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When you been back stabbed how many times without even a reason?

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I can tell when I’m off a little and what I don’t understand is WHY? Why they allowed to come in knock me down and fuck me up and do what ever they want to me anytime they feel like it and then act like I have to deal with or be any where have any thing to do with them? I realize what THEY WOULD do or how they would feel. But what they fail to realize is I’m not them. And bitches I wouldn’t even throw you a look if you was drowning though and you cant make me

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That’s what I’ve been trying to learn is how to close the door on one I didn’t even open to begin with… deal with your own mess

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Alright… I’m a shut up

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Don’t bring a what to a hag fight and ain’t no parts of me or my personality am I a hag

[A Disciple]

Civil rites? My ex boyfriend had me committed LYING saying I wrote a suicide note and I had to go! For no reason!!!!

[A Disciple]

Snitching? Yeah when it’s straight up antisocial and you ain’t even did shit

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I don’t believe in snitching on drugs cause I done it and it’s fiscal and code but other shit… yeah… but to be honest reporting a factual crime against you isn’t snitching

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Done drugs*

[A Disciple]

My tattoos… I not a devil worshiper I am a devil respecter because he more powerful then me and I don’t usually blame other people for my problems!

[A Disciple]

That’s how old we all are… that’s my go to switch any mood up song

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Come on like… smfh

[A Disciple]

[A Disciple]

Trying to get paid ma’maine… just like all of you

[A Disciple]

My first inpatient when I was 13? I know for some it’s so hard to hear cause I’m so white but like… fear and courage and reminding myself to slow down too. Build a strong foundation slow and steady. And maybe it won’t crack and all fall down again. I mean when I wanna world star something it was at the moment when it came to fine… swap spit! Not too many people can understand that or what that inside lingo mean and nah I’m not willing to discuss that either. But like…

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I love the beat

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That’s when and where I saw you…

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What does it mean when you see the ghosts of people still alive? And I know my first instinct back then was to send one too… only I never expected him to see it

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Do I still have his back? NO!!! And never again either!!!! So while I’m adapting and adjusting to the habitual betrayal in my life I just have to make real sure it doesn’t dim my light cause I was so happy yet so naive

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Why they do that to me though? Be right there and refuse to help too?

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I’m sorry but bitches like them only cry over themselves usually when caught

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I’m a go write to seen it all… since I realized I never had and for topical exercise wish leagues were back up

[A Disciple]

I know me and my boyfriend were laughing tonight like when they gonna let me ghost write so I can REALLY talk some shit

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He talks with wisdom that took me years…but imagine how I felt when God promised us all free will. Ain’t no parts of that me or my freewill… I read the Quran… I believe… but I made promises to my God too so I respect both but won’t put one over the other and that’s my business to deal with. They call that a mushrik right? Granted while I’m putting it all out there… I’m just trying to make sense of it all with no clues or hints…

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Datum… that breaks my heart but I don’t want to look too much into shit and always analyze it wrong again.

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It’s like watching yourself from the inside out… like everything becomes in hind site. On the should’ves or would’ves I wouldn’t do too much different or say I made too many mistakes. The worst was trusting the wrong people. When you not like that you can’t predict someone acting like that… for what? Like they ain’t even have a reason though…

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Idk what we were watching but it was an animal jungle attack between a lion and a gazelle I think and they like they both wake up at the same time and the gazelles got to outrun the lion and talking about how you don’t want to be the slowest one… where I’m from I understand the sacrafice of the slowest one cause you just exhausted anyway… like he prolly did it on purpose. I don’t ever want to come to a point in my life that it comes to that again… you know?

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ESPECIALLY for the wrong pack

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I’ll just say if I learned anything about a horseman <3

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Well they said… “if you had nothing to live for make damn sure you have something to die for…

[A Disciple]

A lot of people don’t understand that though… like it’s weak as fuck… it’s anything but

[A Disciple]

I got the “that sounds paranoid and delusional would I like to retract my statement” speech

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Only in real life - not echoes

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Paranoid delusional* (exact quotes… if I had any civil rights these days I’d be paid too… psych need fema in this country

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Crazy people are a public threat and most of them make it worse… they need to be regulated

[A Disciple]

Mental is nothing but nightmares… my last hospitalization i had a nightmare I was on a table in chains and every minute you’d hear a furnace door open, chains dragging, then it would close. Well my room door open and I stood up chained and when the furnace door opened I stood up to fly only my chains loosened the door closed and I was skipped.

[A Disciple]

[A Disciple]

I saw and I love it!!! THANK YOU!!!! But you trying to put us in jail?!?!!? LoL (jk)

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That song hot as fuck but it break my heart too… I really love Nipseys music… it got me thru A LOT down south. The first time I heard him I was in the liquor store parking lot and googled the lyrics and found him… a few years later he dead. 2 shootings in my city this week, 3 people dead, and it’s only Tuesday…

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That’s just Sunday and Monday…

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I’m not sure if I want to start counting though…

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Why was I screaming rape everywhere? Cause nobody sat me down to explain to me that I got mentally sick because I was assaulted, nobody explained the black blood, the robbery, NOTHING! What you erase and don’t face and cope and deal with spins you worse than anything. The only one that attempted to was my sister and I told her no it was impossible. I must’ve been so scared my soul ran out my body again… but it’s why I didn’t serve the 6 months for stealing a Lexus still running for my life. I sucked it all up to bipolar. But to my psych? Like fuck you what I didn’t know did hurt me… you should’ve known better and explained it to me.

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It’s embarrassing as fuck… but I’ve gotten to a point that I don’t even give a fuck anymore… humble? Nah Bitched? More like it… but I’m just to a place that “if you ain’t walk a mile in my shoes… and yes I was hallucinating and saw pac everywhere - he never left my side and was trying to tell me I just couldn’t and wouldn’t get it

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Idk how I got an Angel like pac for real

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Maybe it means one day ima write it and change the world too…

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If nothing else… to help fight for mental health rites and clean up and correct the system. You know I only got a brain scan ONE time and that was for my migraines. That ish ain’t right… I take medication that alters my brain and gave me tardive dyskinesia and you haven’t even looked at my brain? Let alone the drs don’t speak to each other, they don’t share files, the purge my files every 7 years, I WANT TO GET BETTER TOO… like at least try!!!!!

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They don’t even get it right… when I was in disability court I was reading my files and they straight up lied and said someone killed themself in front of me… how they get that out of the party I was at got laced the fuck up and the kid behind me died… that’s the first time my soul ran away…

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Nah so like this THERAPIST named Sandra Valente who I started seeing because her business card had that old tree avatar on her card… so like I start seeing her… she gave me a psych test but filled in the bubbles for me… SO I’m in DB at 8:30am… next thing I know it’s 1pm and I’m on the highway almost home. So I call her to tell her I have a headache and shit coming out of me and I’m going to the hospital. She called the hospital (not even a dr and just CALLED) and said I was having a manic episode put me in 24 hour hold. Then she left the practice before my next appt…

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She called the ER and said that and they wouldn’t listen to a word I said… PS I even had a cut on my vv too

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I’m sure the psych files gone but I bet you the hospital er records still there… only I doubt THERAPISTS have malpractice insurance.

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I finally had that mother fucker… and I’m sure they didn’t even run the kit cause they sure didn’t even have the police question me either… so I ran to New York

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Yes… NOOOOOO… so I ran to NC… finally I decided I shouldn’t be the one running!

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Like safe nooo… safe nooo… safe… finally… and then I saw that pic that no way in hell would I ever take or pose for but that was me

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It doesn’t matter… it’s all illegal and I’m fighting for our civil rites back

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At least fucking TRY to fix us… don’t mask our symptoms, sweep us away, lock us away… when I go I go in a seconds notice it took them the entire week to bring me back last time… me and my family already know that one time and eventually they are not going to be able to… AT LEAST TRY

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St Mary’s Hospital waterbury ct… yo I swear to god

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If I had rites I would prove it myself