VERSES ARE DUE SUNDAY.. VOTING CLOSES TUESDAY.
All other rules are the same. You know 'em.
VERSES ARE DUE SUNDAY.. VOTING CLOSES TUESDAY.
All other rules are the same. You know 'em.
Last edited by P. Mortuus; February 16th, 2011 at 02:27 PM
Hi buddy.
Did You Wanna Know?
It was a nice day with sunshine; bright and burning rays,
as my mind wakes, still deprived of time and learning pains.
Can't make it out -- the questions in these lessons on life,
as I'm breakin' down; I can't quite connect with my possesion of mind.
I made a choice, then suffered from my mother's quietus,
strained her voice when brother's tongue stumbled down his esophagus.
The day fell apart, just as quickly as the sickly fell to sleep,
I'm afraid of the dark, but really .. the feeling of Hell is a fantasy.
Gray with a slim chance of rain, hail nearly impailed my skull,
chains of wind dance and sway as if to prevail or assail us all.
I stare through the glass and scream as police arrest a child,
he looks scared and abashed; brutality seems to progress for awhile.
These are the things that bite as my mind... society's flaws,
human beings that fight, not to survive, or give life to a cause.
But to climb a spot, they'd push a son infront of a speeding bus,
just because they lost focus of God's touch, it's why he's leaving us.
I was dreaming, I'm crazy... I'd seen a woman crying,
she's screaming with a baby that was spewin' and dying.
The people just keep drivin', so I tried to give a hand,
but I open my eyes, to find I'd not given a damn.
Sitting on a bench, trying to find the right reason to live,
with this stench climbing up my sinuses from a region I relish.
I knew where it came from, and ran 'til I couldn't stand still,
then the news jammed some bullshit suicide attempt fable.
I'm not able to explain, or describe how my life took this turn,
how much pain I feel inside, why I don't drive off of the world.
My dream came true, but it really isn't the Disney type of tune,
she screamed, he spewed, my feelings keep eating at my noose.
There was a girl, with crystal eyes that reflected life,
she was my world, her brittle mind which expected light.
Deserving of a chance to live, but she was thrown away,
hurting me to advance in this, its why I wrote in pain...
this story of a man who lost everything.
Did you wanna know why I'm such an emo?
Lose everything you hold close, and walk alone.
(influenced by "Chances" by Charles Hamilton
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned; It’s been 6 years since my last confession.
I have been bad Father I have committed much evil. I have sold my body for money Father.”
Wishing upon dead angels, fallen- wings tarred and cash stolen
her toe crammed stilettos still as her heart beats a cold one
Clutch purse broken and eyelid lynched; mascara suicide
her lipstick spaghetti junction and her fluids don’t try to hide;
Her neck pulsing to an incipient beat, the bass is so tight
the DJ in her ears- still now but thrashed a little earlier tonight
and the rain showers her killer away- she sleeps on a concrete bed
probably would awake, if it wasn’t for the bullet in her head
the wires rubbing against her neck or the sex that went wrong
she slept statuesque- she couldn’t dance to her song
it was a favourite- but I doubt she could hear the rhyming
dead angel, garrotted and forever left silent.
She won’t ever speak again, no her sins won’t be heard
the herd will remain pure & the Shepherd will sate their thirst.
“Forgive me Father I have sinned, it’s been 1 year since my last confession. I have coveted my neighbour’s wife. I tried not to, please Father I need help.”
Attacked at random his eyes tacked- finger hacked
and his genital upon a platter for the rats to catch;
He screamed but all I heard was “thanks”, I cured him his evil
and as he went to his knees I praised the heavens to heave all
matter of djinn from his body, leave him pure
as I nailed the cross in his chest and left him silent and cured.
He won’t ever speak again, no his sins won’t be heard
the herd will remain pure & the Shepherd will sate their thirst.
“Ask forgiveness for you have sinned....”
He couldn’t believe what he heard, it was so fantastical
it seemed a lie but the more he talked the more it seemed practical
this wasn’t idle chatter- no the man meant each word
he had killed many and seemed to want it heard
The priest was old, he was worn and now broken
each parish member dead except the bastard token
as it soaked in the priest cried and asked for mercy
The sinner tutted and said “let me finish my speech please”
and when he was done, the priest slumped- the candle dimmed
his fluids leaked from burnt orifice and his hand crossed in sin.
The whore, the voyeur and the false prophet
all dead- he took the list from his pocket
cut out the names, maybe God would have had enough
but it looks like Religion was after the above;
Gabriel didn’t seem to enjoy this, but he was deployed in this war
These terrorists had killed Jesus, Mohammed, Lucifer and more
Each brother in arms taken, The general was perplexed
So he sent out his messenger Gabriel to bring forth War instead
The time for mercy long gone, he had tried to ignore them
When they built towers in Babylon he had forced them implored and
then controlled them, but it seems the Pagan’s wanted it all
So the God we all worshipped finally decided to clean the floor.
Tabula Rasa.
[YOUTUBE]a1FM7nLiqx4[/YOUTUBE]
Dagel this is pretty cool I think its one of the better drops I've read of yours, its def a smooth read riddled with imagery and decent vocab in spots the flow is strong but spotty in spots all in all a good read
Baron I thought your drop was very creative. The story was captivating your vocab very good , the way you worded somethings in spots was a lil iffy and the flow may have faltered here and there
Vote I think both verses were pretty equal overall givin a slight edge to baron for creativity and vocab so for that he gets my vote
Se7en Travels
dont have an immediate victor.. further deliberation upon 230 PM est tmm
Last edited by soulstice.; February 16th, 2011 at 10:08 PM
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Dagel: I think the emotion was the strong point of this piece. I really connect with this whole sense of looking out at the depressing aspects of life and just feeling helpless and lonely. I feel like the actual writing was kind of inconsistent though. There was some nice wording in some places, but some awkward wording in other places, like "brother's tongue stumbled down his esophagus." The rhyme schemes were the same way. Some multis, and then some really off, slant rhymes that were hard to flow with. i'd say it's a good piece overall, and you did a good job of getting your point across, but it needed more consistency imo.
Mortuus: Honestly the concept didn't hook me in that much. There was nothing wrong with it, it just didn't catch my interest that much. What did catch my interest was the wording and the imagery. The wording was perfect throughout, which really kept me interested and the images were really vivid and effective. You definitely showed what you wanted to show and made it appealing. The rhymes were kinda simple, but that didn't really bother me. Overall, I enjoyed this piece.
v/ Mortuus for, imo, a more engaging piece.
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V: Dagel
Dagel and Mortus each wrote pretty cohesive and solid verses.
As a result, the two verses were pretty close skillwise and I found both pretty alluring. However, Dagels was more interesting to me as I felt he utilized more vivid imagery and portrayed more emotion.
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