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Legendary Song - Winter Snow
Last edited by P. Mortuus; April 20th, 2010 at 06:04 PM
got lucc baron.
~WV~
~IP~
Something Normal
...........Sunday Church.
Papier-mâché bubble, our world a haven from trouble
my words ever fumbling and she sidestepped the rubble
Ignorance was bliss; as bitch became a bless
And a kiss reduced stress of a mind that’s a confused mess
she prayed to her God...I saw her cup the air
Brush away the sole infidel hair, but I didn’t care
I believed God was inside us- my trust ran deep
As did the marks as I punished him; they sprang a leak
Crimson coating the porcelain- ceramic bowls broken
Her life was a faith coupon- shame I was only a token
Choking on words forcing fake lies to become truth
I sat alone as ‘we’ sat in the church...hands burning with ‘proof’
thoughts turning to move; legs tucked bended to groove
Bopping my head to their hymns- hands tied to their whims
Teeth rattling within, If choice was a sin I was a sinner since Sin
she’ll always win...as I lost swimming deep in fairytales
Hushed farewells; as I eyed the vicar eye the fairy’s tail
Sure the kid wore a rainbow- rebellious but not stained though
she moved out the pew and I moved watching the kid go
as he walked with the vicar- counting blesses and all
I was over thinking...maybe it was just a confessional?
“The body (of the church) is wounded by our sins."
- Pope Benedict XVI
The Last Chapter
This is where it ends my friend, you must have comprehended
I am unable to transcend, decisions continually condescended
A shell of a human now unmanned, didn’t go as intentionally planned
As if it was custards last stand, defeated in the end, destruction firsthand
The last moments of existence I was in need of assistance, no coexistence
Me and my enemy no resistance, we clash over and over so persistence
My men can’t follow easy instructions, are numbers hit with reduction
They take my men;sniveling bastards allow the abduction, need reconstruction
The end is nigh, leadership has been defied, victory has long since been denied
I sent for back-up, waiting with no reply. As I wait my loyal men just die
Saddening sight, I tell my men false hopes to incite them, I know it’s not right
But I have to make it through the night, continue to fight, feelings of contrite
This is horrible, now I see it’s restorable, this whole war is deplorable
This land is un-explorable, I wish this fight wasn’t so rough and more enjoyable
This is my last chapter, the last look at this world; they got what they were after
War created by the drafter, sitting back in the free world I hear there laughter.
P Mortuus..
"Choking on words forcing fake lies to become truth
I sat alone as ‘we’ sat in the church...hands burning with ‘proof’
thoughts turning to move; legs tucked bended to groove
Bopping my head to their hymns- hands tied to their whims"
(those lines were dope, but you lost it on the last couple, it didnt rhyme with the previous line, and although it had an internal, it hurt the flow alot imo.)
"she’ll always win...as I lost swimming deep in fairytales
Hushed farewells; as I eyed the vicar eye the fairy’s tail"
(that first line again is really dope, but the second line kinda destroys the couplet rhyme essentially rhyming the same words together.)
Overall, some really nice standout lines this being my favorite.
"my words ever fumbling and she sidestepped the rubble"
but imo the concept of 'Something Normal" wasnt clear enough.
Grim.
"This is where it ends my friend, you must have comprehended
I am unable to transcend, decisions continually condescended
A shell of a human now unmanned, didn’t go as intentionally planned
As if it was custards last stand, defeated in the end, destruction firsthand"
(Alright starting to get into it)
"The last moments of existence I was in need of assistance, no coexistence
Me and my enemy no resistance, we clash over and over so persistence"
( imo persistence should be replaced with persistent. but nice set of lines.. im being really picky sorry)
"My men can’t follow easy instructions, are numbers hit with reduction
They take my men;sniveling bastards allow the abduction, need reconstruction "
these lines sorda lost me, first I thought you were spitting about 1v1 duel to tha death you know, now you have "men" are they marines soldiers pirates friends?
"The end is nigh, leadership has been defied, victory has long since been denied
I sent for back-up, waiting with no reply. As I wait my loyal men just die
Saddening sight, I tell my men false hopes to incite them, I know it’s not right
But I have to make it through the night, continue to fight, feelings of contrite"
this part flows better than any other part in your verse.
ok overall... I would say you did a slightly better job at describing your topic than Baron P or Mortuus did..
But I felt that Mortuus had one or two more qoutables.
flow is about a tie.
Vote= Grim.. Although I didnt know every aspect of what he was spitting, I had a good grasp at the concept, and this being a topical league, and since everything else was equal or close to it... thats my vote. GJ guys close battle
Baron- Good read, I liked the concept you used, thought it was a real interesting read. Flow was consistent, I liked the creativity used, thought you went from a unique angle.
Bopping my head to their hymns- hands tied to their whims
Teeth rattling within, If choice was a sin I was a sinner since Sin
^Favorite lines, loved the imagery that was evident throughout your drop. Parts of this felt like they should've been a poetry drop, I liked it though. Good job man.
Grim- This was kinda played to me, thought you should've shortened the line length, and made the piece a little longer, so that the reader could grasp more of the concept. Your flow was good, some lines just seemed a little streched, and some rhymes a little forced. Just kind of an average piece, thought you could've done better with it.
vote- Baron, just thought he had a better concept and execution.
Baron P - I feel like you do a piece like this every week...so it kinda lacked originality with me...and I still don't know if I like your scheme or strongly dislike it...haha...it's like a 7th chord...sounds out of tune, but in the right context fits perfectly...I dunno...I think it's growing on me...you just put rhymes in places that others wouldn't or something. anyways...the ending was a cool flip on the way of the church and what not...pretty cool
Grim - I don't like your style...sorry. But the just rhyming words throughout the line doesn't really connect words how rhymes should, infact, it kind of does the opposite in your lines and breaks them up. I dunno...maybe it's just me, but I prefer if you didn't do that so much unless you learn to connect the words to eachother such as multiples, or alliteration or sometihng...also, the topic wasn't very appealing to me. lacked a little creativity with me
Vote - Baron P
This is my signature...
Baron - Glad you were able to fix that record haha. Congrats. I didn't love the piece, didn't hate it - it fits you for sure and the concept was very well done. Your wording is a bit too poetic in the style, I know it's been hard transitioning between the two, but you did well here...some good images throughout.
Grim - Didn't feel this in any way man. I'm trying to see what you were going for, but I just couldn't really get into this one. I like the ideas scattered in this, but none of them really felt executed to the fullest potential and I think that's what killed you. The style is very hard to read as far as flow...too many syllables in each line made it seem long even with the short lines. Wasn't a fan bro, keep working.
v/Baron
Legendary Song - Winter Snow
Baron wins (6-6)
Grim loses (5-6)
CLOSED
Legendary Song - Winter Snow
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