Wk03 - Gold: Engivale vs. Crost Over

[fastforwords]

Sacred Scriptures Week 03

GOLDEN SCRIPT CHAMPIONSHIP
Winner is the new Golden Script Champion.

3. Engivale vs. 4. Crost Over

Verses due: Monday, March 26th 2007.
Voting ends: Friday, March 30th 2007.

Please vote on 3 battles.

Goodluck

[CrosT Over]

rematch.....big time redemption coming up....

good luck...may it be a little closer this time

[Engivale]

Redemption it is, my friend. And good luck to you.

Take your time... Don't overthink it.

[Engivale]

In 480 BC, The Persian King Xerxes (Zerk - zees) and his army of conquered slaves, said to number somewhere between 500,000 and 1,000,000 men and with some accounts giving as many as 3,000,000, invaded Greece at the pass of Thermoplyae (Ther-mo-ply). There, in the tight pass where only a single chariot could pass, King Leonidas (Lee-ah-ni-dus) of Sparta and a chosen force of 300 men, each with a born son to carry their name, held the pass, though vastly outnumbered for three days. When Ephialtes (Eff-ee-all-tees), a Greek local, betrayed a secret mountain pass behind the Greeks, they were surrounded and killed after their 3 day stand. This is the story of how their children remembered their sacrifice, which led to a Greek victory since the stand gained decisive time for Greece to turn the tide of their naval battle and force Persia to retreat back to Asia because of their inability to maintain supply lines.




Children of Men




The drumming is slow-paced, their cunning unmatched -
Neither running the most states nor over-funding a tax.
And the one thing that's asked is how they remember their fathers -
"How can this punishing task be intended for followers?"

So they piece together memories of heroes they lost...
To teach of men who never knelt on knees or feared those with thoughts.
Where their spear goes is crossed by the path that they'd chosen -
And no seer knows the cost of a man's past that's bestowed him.

Their fathers fought to defend freedom before Magna Carta -
When fame was bought but seldom sought by the free men of Sparta.
And when 300 start a fight with the Persian King's Million...
By sea they come far as sight --- the tarnished might that killed them.

The battle of Thermoplyae --- they wait at their laid gates -
Their strength is added and multiplied by the shape of a phalanx.
Their grateful for raised flanks, cliffs are on either side
They prayed and they gave thanks to not be in slave ranks when they die.

Each one had a Son - Men to hold their Line and their Name...
Husbands and fathers to some, but 'Soldier' was the title they claimed.
But despite all the pain and that they knew they were doomed,
They'd rather fight til' they're slain then be pursued and consumed.

They held off the first attack, and the second and third -
Pride-swelled bloodthirst is back with a weapon to serve.
And the lesson that's learned by the hordes brought by Xerxes
Was that besting determined swords was like fighting dinosaurs with bird seeds...

So they send the Immortals, personal guard of the King -
"Spartans!" then chortles, "Give em' all that they bring!"
The twin walls are the thing, and the line holds again -
Xerxes calls to rethink his war designs with a friend.

Ephialtes the traitor, revealer of hidden paths -
For all his faults his behavior was a deal for an unwritten tax.
The once-bitten backs away, but will strike for revenge -
Even sons smitten with past dismay could like the world through a lens...

Now with Leonitas surrounded, and 300 to be slaughtered -
At Dawn's brightest he astounded everyone in front of the water.
One spear that could start the hope amongst the misery's faces -
Xerxes bled and his fear of Sparta's wrote in history's pages.

The battle ended with arrows - the Persians finally won.
But throughout all the air grows a fear immersed in time that will come.
Behind every numb face is a voiceless acceptance -
They'll violently come to taste the revenge Greece's sons take for repentance.

They're the Children of Men,
It's what we're building for them;
With each generation's
Seperation fulfilling again.
The promise that's made
By all those honest & brave -
To fight for what's right,
So might we don us a blade.
We live through the past,
And our insiduous task -
Is to remember men's great deeds
When fate leaves us unmasked.
So what is the response
Of the widows & and kids moms?
To raise them to follow
The Great Men who lived strong.

[CrosT Over]

I find myself alone, in a disarrayed state
Set to my own tone, continued on played hate.
A misfortune to one can be a dream to others
gather my last ounce, as the anger smothers.
I find visa as my first and worst true enemy
the American dream that has been sent to me
Land of riches whose sought after by the poor
Only to ignore my mind, face first on the floor
Can’t even gather land to call my own property
So I sloppily pick my pace up to conform
And as I begin to perform, I realize this mockery
When did dreams leave? A reality set on top of me
My wife the one and only thing provides balance
For she comes through when I lack my talents

I’m a dream hunter willing to sacrifice
In a place where there’s always a price
I’m a dream hunter in the land of the free
Where ninety percent see my value externally

Im just a veteran soldier trapped in a war of debt
a lack of substance leaves me stranded and inept
I bide my time for the account of perfect leases
my money’s interest dwindles while theirs increases
At twenty percent you cant tell me this is fair?
Stuck in their dangerous lair, I sit and compare
The rich stay rich, living off labor of the mindless
And here lies where I find this issue that’s timeless
This dream I hunt isn’t for myself or even for wealth
I hunt so my kin’s kin are excused from poor health
It shall last forever only contributing to the wealthy
I sit and ponder to realize I’m losin a final conclusion.
Trapped deep inside the credit bureau’s illusion
helping them get richer, but who’s gonna help me?

[fastforwords]

Up over closed.

[Nique.]

Engivale- Haha, cool story. I liked it. It was actually based on the movie/comic book version the way you wrote it because as opposed to the book this is completely inaccurate, but nevertheless, I loved the movie, so this was a great read. The most potent thing in your piece was definitely the emotion packed into such a small amount of lines. Very simplistic read. At some points, I actually wished you would gotten a bit more imaginative with some of the battles and/or a bit more indepth with these children of men, but the segments that you chose to write about were very significant components in the move and the progression of your piece. Very original, insightful read, and your flow was on point.

Crost Over- Very rushed piece. Actually, it was so rushed that I'm not too sure what you're talking about, and it ended very abruptly. I get the poor/family concept, but where were you actually going with this? Some places the flow was very smooth, and others were very choppy. A lot of things mechanically wrong with this piece.

v/Engivale

A lot more polished.

[Maven.]

E-my only beef with your piece initially was that most of the story wasn't your own, just borrowed from the movie/graphic novel. The way that you seperated the stanzas was interesting...sort of giving a fragmented view of the whole story. It was like looking at 30 second clips of what went down. Also, I liked the seperation at the end creating a sort of moral to your story...it was the most obvious conclusion, but it was well executed.

Crost-I wish you had developed your character. You make general statements about the american dream, and having issues with money, etc, but you don't tell us any more than that he is a retired soldier. It would have been good to get a whole character sketch-family life, friends, childhood...that kind of shit; from there, you could move on to establish how the American dream fucks everyday people. The problem with your piece is that it didn't establish the person first. I liked the concept though, it has a lot of potential, you just need to include more!

Vote-Engivale.

[soulstice.]

engivale - yes, it was a recollection of the events, but as maven said, the story was not your own. regardless, you used excellent imagery and superior rhyming techniques to make this peice very nice. it was pretty short, and didnt have the same rhymes cheme your other pieces have, but it was nice and sweet and made for an interesting read. i might've voted against you if not for the ending, a seperate morale which made the piece and story, truly yours and yours alone. otherwise, it wouldve seeemded ripped off

crost - you seem rushed here. not any real stoyline, seemed like ajunior version of an excellent piece i read recently (not saying you ripped it off, im sure this your concept, just saying) the rhyme scheme wasnt as complex as your shit usually is and the character development wasn;t there. if that was there, this piece would be excellent. if i were you, i would completely scratch this current piece, but use the concept and create a new piece, an excellent oneand throw it in the OM section. im sure your capable of that, d that shit, man. anyway, just seemed like you didn't have much time this week. bad luck this weeks the champ match, lol.

v - engivale.

[CrosT Over]

much agreed with the votes, i wrote this with 3 hours left till deadline, visted family all week, but so everyone knows THIS IS NO EXCUSE...i had my chance for a rematch and couldn't get my mind to focus on anything but outside situations, maybe i can get back to this point sometime and we can do this is again...sorry eng that i couldn't provide more of a challenge

[P. Mortuus]

Yup engivale your piece was aight concept wise, flow wise i liked it and the rhyming as usula was elevated and good, though a bit different i may add. Your layout of the piece was good to and the ending hit it up propa.
Crost, man like you had already said, outside stuff distracted you from delivering a complete and polished piece. This wasn't bad but not near your usual calbire, it seemed in dissarray and bumpy.

\/ Engivale.

[Johnny 6-feet]

Engivale- I liked it. You brought a real sense of history into your piece and backed it up with strong descriptive imagery and a clear narrative voice which made it easy to picture the story as it unfolded. The rhyme scheme was strong as well, maybe a multi too many in places in fact but that didn't take away from the piece. The vocab was strong too, and on just the right level for the subject matter. Dope drop.

CrosT Over- Wasn't really feeling this man. Your topic seemed kind of generic and lacking in detail. The narrator should've gone into more depth about his situation and his feelings i thought. The vocab was solid enough but the rhyme scheme is in need of a boost. It just didn't draw me in as i read it.

Vote- Engivale, better concept, better imagery, better narrative.

[Born To Kill]

Yeah...Eng won...

He wrote a better rhyme...technically...

But I'm kinda there with Maven...yes, credit given for a sound verse, excellent flow, blah, blah, blah.

However, this wasn't your work...you pretty much wrote right alongside the movie...so, not your story...kinda like you narrated someone elses.

While, with Crost...I really felt the emotion tugging...know what it's like to be in debt, be poor...you don't forget shit like that, it's very humbling.
Excellent description of finanical desperation...
It was just kinda...well...not very well put together...from a technical aspect...simple rhyme scheme...stumbling at times...missed words...
But still a good story...at least it was your own.

In the end though...I gotta lean towards Eng...
Much more polished, much better flow...equalling a much easier and enjoyable read...even though I've already seen the movie.

I dunno why cats dig shit like that...
I read an SS verse a long time back...just like Eng's...played off A Time To Kill...and whoever wrote it ended it the exact same way...
"Now imagine she's white"
And motherfuckers went all crazy over it, praising it and whatever...
Especially the ending...
And I was like...that's Sam Jackson's line!!!

Oh well...

Vote: Eng

[Tim]

Engivale wins New Champion
Crost Over loses