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Thread: Poverty Noticed

  1. #1
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Poverty Noticed

    Poverty Noticed

    He came to school, wearing nothing but ragimuffins
    Always avioding vocal abuse, gets treated like nothing
    You can find him in the corner, almost always embarressed
    No money for lunch, in tramendous debt he confessed
    Walking slowly to class, the man gets mugged by thugs
    For no reason I guess, you see blood stains on the rug
    Making failing grades, he doesnt play any sports at all
    Abundently standing tall, but no tutor will awnser his call
    But after what I saw, I think yall should know about it
    He gets thrown around like a rag doll, he fell from one hit
    The fatal blow from the fist, no reason, that visious kid
    Battered.....Brusied.....Tattered and his poor nose adjusted
    .
    .
    30 Years later, The story continues yet exactly the same
    Except now it gets worse, he's introduced to the big game
    Street fights, late nights, trying to make a living the hard way
    Worring about his life, dwelling on his concrete curb all day
    It was tempting to comfert him, but my whim soon took over
    Remembering back when, we believed luck came from clovers
    I walked by, seeing he was hung over, and gave him a kind smile
    He saw me and said "Hows it going, havent seen you in a while"
    "Same here, things not goin to good for you eh?", I said nervous
    He said suprisingly "I've never had a better home then this curb is"
    I knew his mind was blown, from inhaling drugs and alcohol....
    Officially wasted, I told him not to move, or he might fall...
    Then I went to get help, thinking the local shelter would be nice
    So I began asking around, keeping him from ice and betting dice
    .
    .
    I finally found a willing home, at least for the cold dredfull winter
    Walking back to his curb, after I got him food at the health center
    Happily I was almost there, then I heard an familure screaming voice
    There he lay, dead, with blood every where, a knife was the choice
    I then cried.... Despite not really knowing the man in such poverty
    ..I was the only one at the funeral, and I spoke words to thee.......
    "God, why would you pull such a horrible moral uppon this man?"
    "He was never angry, Is it my fault? Take me too if you can...."

    Links:
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=273006
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=272778
    Last edited by Jon; February 19th, 2006 at 12:23 PM
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  2. #2
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
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    this was deep homie. the imagery was tight yo. i really connected to this cause where i be livin is like this. theres alot of poverty. some of my friends who have went out like he did lived like that. I really liked the descriptions and the moral of the whole story. real rough ending but its real. mad props for this. drop a vote honestly in my battle in my sig b.

    -Peace
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    -The Illest Ever Kid-

  3. #3
    taking it to the rear
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    im Guessing u aint like my verse straight drop deep feeling if you didnt want me to write then the hell i waste my time........

  4. #4
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    I didnt read your PM till I already finnished. Sorry.
    Uppin.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  5. #5
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Blah, uppin bitches.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  6. #6
    Banned
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    He came to school, wearing nothing but ragimuffins
    Always avioding vocal abuse, gets treated like nothing
    You can find him in the corner, almost always imbaressed
    No money for lunch, in tramendous debt he confessed


    good fukken shit dukes.. better than most of the crap that apperas onj this board

    story rolled well... rhymes on point.. vocab coo

    nice

  7. #7
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Thanks Uppin.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  8. #8
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Damn im getting slept on.
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  9. #9
    You are the selfish one! CrosT Over's Avatar
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    I knew his mind was blown, from inhaling drugs and alcohol....
    Officially wasted, I told him not to move, or he might fall...
    Then I went to get help, thinking the local shelter would be nice
    So I began asking around, keeping him from ice and betting dice

    NICE FLOW GOOD CONSISTENCY, KEEP IT UP, I LIKE DA IMAGERY
    I EMBRACED THE DARK SIDE WHEN YOU STOLE MY SON

  10. #10
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    Remembering when our luck came from clovers, thats was the like that stuck with me -- I like how you tried to bring my man's to life I think it need to be more action packed some parts drug on ya know but nice keep doing your thang

  11. #11
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Thanks for feed.
    Uppin.
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  12. #12
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    He came to school, wearing nothing but ragimuffins
    Always avioding vocal abuse, gets treated like nothing
    You can find him in the corner, almost always embarrassed
    No money for lunch, in tramendous debt he confessed

    ^^ Apart from that error in spelling (yes! ill be pandantic mofo) I really liked how you opened this. There was some nice imagery throughout this and emotion. At times I wasnt really feeling your choice of words and I felt use of multi's would have helped your flow. Keep it up.

  13. #13
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Thanks.
    Uppin.
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  14. #14
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    nice....yop hyad nice complex bars and i like the monolauge that u incldued with the end of the bars..overall it was nice..some pretty preschoolish ryhmes..but still whocares?!

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    The Sickness REC
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  15. #15
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    So?!?!?
    Uppin.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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