Becoming a Murderer by vafinest

[.Silence.]

BECOMING A MURDERER


black gloves,black mask,loading up a black mac
window cracked,the rooms silent,cuz there planning to attack
but there sweating,tears of fear,cuz they don't want to die
they don't care,cuz there psyco,and they always got to lie
there in a room,with a sheet,of a house of a friend
sitting there,thinking of stuff,of how they are gonna murder him
cuz he was rich,and they were poor,needed dough to survive
they got tired,and starting thinking,that there rich friend had to die
start to persude,with the plan,all the guys dressed in black
walking quiet,around the house,all holding black gats
then they quietly,opened the door,sneaking in through the back
and then all you seen was a flash.................and a gun powder sack
but it was a light,not no danger,so they proceeded with the plan
when to the safe,then to the room,where they saw there friend stan
so they stood,with there guns out,pointing them in his face
and he woke up,the shots fired,like fireworks went off in his place
then all you hear,is them screaming,cuz there now known as murders
cuz they killed,an innocent man,and no one ever heard of him
so now there on the run,hesitating bout going to prison
cuz they sinned,worked for the devil,and made the wrong descion
but thats there life,and they can't change it,so it will stay in there blood
that there insane,and got no brains,cuz they had turned into murders and thugs


LINKS:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...63#post3624763
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...73#post3624773

[Cody Nash]

Wow...That was intense man, You had real good shit goin' here, I would've liked to see a bigger verse, and as usual your structures tweaked...But don't let me cramp your style, no no no man...keep doin' what you're doing cause this was pretty damn tight...This was my favorite verse:

but there sweating,tears of fear,cuz they don't want to die
they don't care,cuz there psyco,and they always got to lie

Good intensity about these lines...whatever it was man, you brought it...

~Nash

[.Silence.]

thanks for the feedback

[ITawAPuddyKat]

This wasn't intense like big nash said. Some of your lines has bad grammar, and this concept is played out. The approach you took was played out "Holding gats"..No you need to use metaphors for these kinda of things, if you want upp your imaginary which now in your verse was weak and non-detailed

then they quietly,opened the door,sneaking in through the back
and then all you seen was a flash.................and a gun powder sack

Don't put..........Lines between lines to make the structure fit, that's really annoying. Your commas are in the wrong places in some of your Lines fix that. and You have

but there sweating,tears of fear,cuz they don't want to die
they don't care,cuz there psyco,and they always got to lie

There is wrong in this sentence it should be "Their" cause you talking about someone. If it's "There" then you are directing to something to someone get it?

You need to work on not stretching your lines and use metaphors, plus coming with better idea's. The only thing good in your verse was the imaginary but still it was weak, it seemed rush to me, you didn't take your time to let the story develop.

overall this wasn't a good Verse like Big Nash said. elevate keep writing.

[.Silence.]

thanks for the feedback

[killamami1]

yo i really like how you put all that feeling into this piece...dayum it was kinda sad how they were plannin to murder their friend like dat....dats fukked up....but i really like the emotion of this piece...it kept the piece going....wordplay and vocab was really good in this but i expected that because its by VA.....keep it up boy! this piece gets a 9.8......

[.Silence.]

thanks for the feedback leave links will get to them

[.Silence.]

upp leave links

[<Supreme>]

alrite piece...nice flow
flow - 8/10
structure - 6/10
rhymin - 7/10
like it? - 7/10
overall - 7/10

wrk on the structure as this will make the flow consistent throughout the piece,
try and develop the rhymin, as this will improve the whole piece
alrite topic, not the best to wrk with, but i feel you couldve done better

keep it up anyway...and remember - opinions are like assholes...everyones got one and they stink

[StRiNgThEoRy]

Multies: Didn't need em
Flow: Great
Structure: Good
Creativity: Great
Emotion: OK

COMMENT: I think that i know where (is that right puddy?) 'ITawAPuddyKat' is comin from, obviously jealous cuz thats the only thing puddy could pick wrong...lol
Personally, i think that the bad grammar could be interpreted as a result of intensity, not thinkin before the action has been executed, obvious nervousness...etc...Dope Piece

ADVICE: Fix ya grammar to keep ITawAPuddyKat happy....lol...

VERDICT: 8.5/10

...Excellent...

[.Silence.]

Thanks Upp Leave Links

[.Silence.]

Rise

[.Silence.]

upp leave links foos

[2hot2handle]

It was ok, nothin special. Ya structure must be improved and it seemed that you bunched everything together. The story topic was ok but you drastically have to improve ya vocab. It seemed used out and another piece ive seen before. Not goin simon cowell on you man but just work on that shit and you be aight. I like the direction you goin though, i know u can do better cause i read ya shit before. You could make this more gruesome or moree exciting. This was just breakin into something. But this was an ok piece, so just keep writin, aight.

[.Silence.]

thanks for the feedback homie