Sacred Scriptures Season 15 Week 2: SELF ACTIVATE (1-0) vs Sammy (1-0) *SLEF ACTIVATE WINS*

Check in by 2/13
Verses by 2/17 if extension granted 2/18
Voting ends 2/22
You must vote on all open battles

See rules here----> http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php...eason-15-Rules


@SELF ACTIVATE @Sammy

http://www.titoktan.hu/_raktar/image...-FoldHaz-k.jpg
http://orig12.deviantart.net/09be/f/...en-d9r4ubk.jpg
http://img02.deviantart.net/5d97/i/2...by_meidy89.jpg

"The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death"
“Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.”

Corrugated Lifestyles
Frantic Plagiarisms

ha! well it was bound to happen. goodluck, my friend!

Lol. Word. Same to you as well.

http://orig12.deviantart.net/09be/f/...en-d9r4ubk.jpg


Bye, Bye, Ms American Pie


It tickles the spine. Every ripple design
nips with unkind intimacy.
every decline; the frivolous mind stays shivering;
when one's faced with winter-brisk state,
bracing her intimate pale distinguished lips.

"Hey...
...bitch..."

A feigned quip laid, thick in pain stricken face;
obvious but...

"Where was the fall out?"

..or rather when? Dark clouds descends.
Mark mouths with venom.
Scars shroud in linen garb. "now.. what is this?!"

Silence...

Her shoulders, so cold and thin
but it was my soul that's quivering.
her tone, a sepia dipped in saturated glow; its sickening.

"I'm sick of this! The fuck did i do?"

Silence was golden. She holds with dissonance
like a gold-digging, bitch.
Vultures circles in bold ambivalent.
"Stole..." You wicked bitch! Why?? It was on a platter, garnished in rose and sweetest kisses...

No....this can't be it.
Fuck closure, i'd rather not know, if this is it.
Every winter we'd roam to different seasons
...and this cold is too much for this lonely piece of shit...

..so off i go...

Ahhh summer...
kaleidoscopic eyes with the devilish grin.
Embellished in sin.
The smell of cinnamon with, i think, a pinch of magenta?

He sings:
My, My Ms. American Pie...

Her heart bled chevy red, art pumping life to this painting.
the frame, thin; color fades as the days swayed west.
grey specs graced bits of aging canvas
made of paper mache..
"Just.....stay...please" she graced,
her face radiant; Made of brazen angel wings.
Hands intertwined as we basked in cherry wine.
painful past laid to rest ...
at least until the fading bit of spirit saplings withers byyyy....

Bye, bye, Ms. American Pie
drove the chevy to the levy...
and there i would die...

Blood & Bondage


I was once a young fool from the province of Sun Tzu
Born in a brothel I was raised by prostitutes
Force into the trade at the tender age of twelve
I was raped everyday by sleaziest of males
Like a prisoner in jail -- I had to sleep inside a cell
Where I was tortured like a demon in the deepest parts of Hell
In the darkness I would dwell...as the years starting passing
And my health began to fail from all the sex I was having
With those devils 'til a shell started forming 'round my seams
And the hatred overwhelmed every fiber of my being
'til a sorceress's spell finally freed me from the fiends
That were feasting on my flesh...
Yes, she wore a satin veil and the fabric of her dress
Was imported from Lhasa in the kingdom of Tibet
As esteemed as she seemed I could still see that Death

Sought refuge in her eyes and his ch'i never left

What a secret she suppressed;

I thought it to myself:

"What if she was in a debt ... to a demon or pinyin
and she came here to collect?"

That's when I heard her breath

As she whispered to the mistress
it was me she would accept -- little beads made of sweat
Steady streamed down my cheek as the speed of her steps
had increased to the beat that repeated in my chest
As this dream manifested right before my very eyes
Like a nightmare come to life but I had no where to hide
When she starred me in my face then politely did reply
If today would be a day that I rightly like to die???
Cuz the violence that resided inside my curseth tomb
Would be silenced if invited inside my perversed room
Thus, I took her at her word and accepted what she offered
Then she bit me on the neck blood drizzled same as water
As it trickled down my breast like a sacrificial alter
Felt the pain & the pleasure -- was it sex or was it slaughter?
Was I dead or now her daughter?

But instinctively I knew ...
the answers to those questions
As my aptitude improved ...
with every precious second
I spent starring at the Moon ...
I guess I got the message
When she told me to CONSUME

That's when I left the room -- all you heard were screams of horror
People running for the doors before their backed into a corner
Blood splattered on the walls human corpses on the floor boards
Torture rattled down the halls like a tune that was morbid

Then
all
you
heard
was
NOTHING!

Not a sound or a chorus!

Cause everyone was dead, except the child that was born
Inside that very brothel who was treated like an orphan
Before she courted Death or fell asleep every morning

...with poison on her breath

http://img02.deviantart.net/5d97/i/2...by_meidy89.jpg

安息以前的我

____________________________

Sammy. I feel like your constant rhyming actually takes away from the piece itself. It seems like a primary focus and I feel like it takes away from the focus of elements like imagery, wording and emotion. I feel like it really dumbs down any major chance of depth you could go and in turn it's basically just a rhyme book instead. When you sacrifice so many qualities for one thing then all you're doing is hurting yourself plus the readers. On a beat this might've sounded dope but just simply reading it I really can't get anything from the content. Sorry.

Self. This was dope. I really liked the imagery and the story you told. I felt like the syllable count fell short a few times but all in all I can't at all complain. Wording was smooth as hell from start to finish. Overall it was a dope read and I'm very impressed.

In my opinion/personal preference this match was fairly one sided. Sammy let her/his rhymes overlook the rest of the elements in writing while Self dropped a very well told and well written story. So vote Self.

A nice horrorcore type of battle going on here. Had to read both pieces twice and make sure I was soaking all the info in. Here's my breakdown.

Sammy- I really liked the disjointed, poetic style of your piece. The snatches of imagery which you reinforced with a strong use of vocab helped the visualize the scenes you were painting, although the rhyme scheme at times seemed to force that vocab into making the meaning of the piece obscure. Rhythmically on point, and the emotion of the piece was definitely there as well. I think a stronger focus on the flow on the story over a strong rhyme scheme would help in future pieces. Overall, solid work.

Self-Active- This is what I like to call a 'popcorn' piece. By that I mean the type of open mic that makes me want to grab a bag of popcorn, sit down and watch it like a movie. You told a clear and well descriptive story with an interesting take on a classic horror staple. The rhyme scheme was solid and not overdone, the vocab use was at the right level for this type of story, the imagery was clear as bell and the piece as a whole matched the picture perfectly. Room for improvement? Maybe a little more vocab and slightly more even bars on your next piece. That's some nickpicking shit tbh. Great piece.

Vote- Self-Active

*Whining*--------Break it down!!! @Endeva aka DEV -----break it down. *Sulk, sulk, bitchidy bitchidy bitch* hehe'

Ok

Sammy, I liked the way you came with this. It's truly different to what I normally see in SS.
I liked the abstract nature of it, the fact that it doesn't fit the expectation I had. I like the story you told
although, I did find it slightly confusing and not clean cut off the bat with the first read. That's the reason
I read both pieces twice, just to make sure. So on the second read I got a better grasp of your story line,
and I enjoyed the language you used. The vocab was impressive because certain aspects of this verse had
such strong imagery it almost popped out of the page. Even scents were mixing with colours in such a nice display
of visuals that I really have to take my hat off to you for that. The edge you gave it with the roughness thrown in
worked to its advantage if you ask me, imo, I liked that mix of sweet and sour. I liked it.
I didn't find it overloaded with rhymes. Is it my accent? Not sure. In fact, I didn't see the amount of rhymes that I would
have expected. Flow wise, it broke a bit for me. I would have preferred more of a streamline stream to not break up my
melodic ways. In saying that, the imagery alone, and the wording you used, imo, were great.
"...Bye, bye, Ms. American Pie
drove the chevy to the levy...
and there i would die..." <<<<<<< This...was bliss. I especially loved this bit.
Good job Sammy. Shame you're signing out. SS will be poorer without you.

SELF ACTIVATE

You have the ability to tell a story from a to z and keep the readers interest. I noticed you didn't go hell bent on rhyme,
and I liked the path you chose because you were able to continue such a spellbinding, riveting tale with a flow to die for.
Slight typo I think with ...."...Was I dead or now her now daughter?..." no biggie.
The history alone is captivating and engages the reader. The plot is gripping in the scenario you paint.
It also has a nice sophistication to it regardless of the subject matter. It omits an air of grace with the words you chose.
I'm very impressed. Great work.


Good work people. Very talented.
I enjoyed both these drops.

Based on the piece that had a better flow, and picture to understand, my vote goes to ...

SELF ACTIVATE.

Interesting read guys!

Sammy, I appreciate what you were trying to do. I was a fan of the different kind of structure that you presented as it pushed some boundaries and really worked in some aspects. The internal rhymes was different. Though I think the structure could have also had some more polish and natural flow to it, as it was abrupt in places. But, that being said, I really like the tie in with the song.

Favorite Lines:

"
Silence was golden. She holds with dissonance
like a gold-digging, bitch.
Vultures circles in bold ambivalent."

As far as poetical prose goes, I believe your piece is excellent. It is unfortunate that it is displayed in what is considered as a "topical rap" league where the rhyme schemes and how they correspond with the structure matter greatly. If you expand the vocabulary and add in some rhyming words to go with the internals, this would have been phenomenal.

Self Activate, I dug the approach a lot. Gripping story telling with some fluent lines and flow. Definitely had some great imagery happening. and I really enjoyed how you broke up your segments with interesting rhyming patterns that kept the flow going. Nice stuff man.

Favorite Lines:

"That were feasting on my flesh...
Yes, she wore a satin veil and the fabric of her dress
Was imported from Lhasa in the kingdom of Tibet
As esteemed as she seemed I could still see that Death"

I will admit my only gripe is that the language does seem to stray into lazy territory. The rhyme scheme kind of falls off at the end for the sake of the story, and I get that. Nice use of the very strange picture haha.

My vote goes to Self Activate. Good battle overall though there guys.

Sam

This shit right here was crazy. As it should be. I love taking the song and flipping it to American Psycho-ish feel. Even the little limerick at the beginning set the tone for the rest of the piece. The singular lines show the emotional state visually. That right there was the connecting vibe that was a good setup for the ending. The ending was dopeness, the play on the actual song and use it in the manner that you did was the perfect ending to this verse. I know that some were looking at it technically but this right here can't be measured on that level due to the inimical thought process this character was having.

SELF

Did you play some Dynasty Warriors? This verse as vibrant as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Historically painting in strong hues of red and yellow to the emotions of the character and the overall story. The feel of it was Asian like as someone from that time telling the story. I agree with the cinematic imagery, very smooth and composed. Towards the end some of the word choices were like you diving for the tape. That's my only ding, minor at that. Overall you have seek the way of the path and completed your task, Young Dragon....lol

Vote Sammy

SELF ACTIVATE

Quote:

---

I was once a young fool from the province of Sun Tzu
Born in a brothel I was raised by prostitutes
Force into the trade at the tender age of twelve
I was raped everyday by sleaziest of males
Like a prisoner in jail -- I had to sleep inside a cell
Where I was tortured like a demon in the deepest parts of Hell
In the darkness I would dwell...as the years starting passing
And my health began to fail from all the sex I was having
With those devils 'til a shell started forming 'round my seams
And the hatred overwhelmed every fiber of my being
'til a sorceress's spell finally freed me from the fiends
That were feasting on my flesh...
Yes, she wore a satin veil and the fabric of her dress
Was imported from Lhasa in the kingdom of Tibet
As esteemed as she seemed I could still see that Death

---

You craft and weave an interesting story here from the get go. Child prostitution is no joke of a topic, and you went in heavy. First person is a nice touch, I think in this case it makes us connect to the character/narrator of the piece. Helps us get lured in by the darkness they're living and growing up in. Then we get into the supernatural with the sorceress spell, although that's not always confirmation anything supernatural is going on. More like this particular woman who runs against the grain frees them. We know something strange is going on here, so it's a good beginning to have that unsettling factor. If there are things I'd change with this is that some of it doesn't feel wholly original. Like a prisoner in jail/sleeping inside a cell is an image a lot of people use. Not something I'd knock you hugely for, but I'd always feel if we want to be truly great at writing these pieces we'd like to dwell on the different kinds of imagery that'd paint a more metaphorical and less straight forward picture of our ideas. Anyway, solid intro.

Quote:

---

Sought refuge in her eyes and his ch'i never left

What a secret she suppressed;

I thought it to myself:

"What if she was in a debt ... to a demon or pinyin
and she came here to collect?"

That's when I heard her breath

---

Refuge in her eyes -- I like that one. Her eyes must show some sort of homey feel, something comforting. Readers latch onto that kind of thing. I do love inserting some quotes in my pieces, adds a bit of an added style of conversational tone. Good way to get into the thoughts of the narrator too. I wonder about the debt to collect line if the narrator is thinking a literal demon or pinyin or more the figurative language of it -- like the way they describe the sleazy males as demons feasting on her (I assumed her) flesh. Another person coming to collect her? But then, we move onto our twist in the tale.

Quote:

---

As she whispered to the mistress
it was me she would accept -- little beads made of sweat
Steady streamed down my cheek as the speed of her steps
had increased to the beat that repeated in my chest
As this dream manifested right before my very eyes
Like a nightmare come to life but I had no where to hide
When she starred me in my face then politely did reply
If today would be a day that I rightly like to die???
Cuz the violence that resided inside my curseth tomb
Would be silenced if invited inside my perversed room
Thus, I took her at her word and accepted what she offered
Then she bit me on the neck blood drizzled same as water
As it trickled down my breast like a sacrificial alter
Felt the pain & the pleasure -- was it sex or was it slaughter?
Was I dead or now her daughter?

---

Sweat dripping down her body in a sense of nervousness. Again, perhaps not the most wholly original image. However, you had the flow and the great pace so it might not really matter that much. An offer to become a vampire, and she took it. The sexual touches and the bit of imagery fits in with the whole vampiric mythos so it's nice to see someone sticking to some of the original guns when it comes to vampire stuff. No Twilight bullshit. There's something animalistic about wondering whether getting bitten to the point of bleeding is like sex or slaughter. Powerful question there. Very entertaining.

Quote:

---

But instinctively I knew ...
the answers to those questions
As my aptitude improved ...
with every precious second
I spent starring at the Moon ...
I guess I got the message
When she told me to CONSUME

---

Aptitude improved. Nice, simple, concise way to describe the transformation into a vampire. Like immortality has entered into our narrator and granted the answers to all the questions that plague a mortal. Mysteries revealed and suddenly fear doesn't quite exist when the fear of death might be extinguished or near extinguished.

Quote:

---

That's when I left the room -- all you heard were screams of horror
People running for the doors before their backed into a corner
Blood splattered on the walls human corpses on the floor boards
Torture rattled down the halls like a tune that was morbid

---

Loving the horror. Do enjoy my horror flics so this was cool and the right way to depict a vampire massacre. Nothing pretty about it, just lots of blood and horror. Sound like a broken record here but 'like a tune that was morbid'. Is there a way to use your imagery rather than telling us? Showing vs telling applies to poetry as far as I'm concerned. Use the crunch of bones, terrified screams, and splatter of blood to be your morbid instruments conducting a symphony of horror. It'd be more effective. Still a solid stanza.

Quote:

---

Then
all
you
heard
was
NOTHING!

Not a sound or a chorus!

Cause everyone was dead, except the child that was born
Inside that very brothel who was treated like an orphan
Before she courted Death or fell asleep every morning

...with poison on her breath

---

I don't know how I feel about the one word lines down there. One, I understand that it has this deliberate pace to it. Word, pause, word, pause. But It seems to disrupt the pace to me and I think an eery silence can be evoked in a better way than that. Your choice, really. Not a sound or a chorus is a nice. That's closer to what I'm looking for in terms of descriptiveness. Cause everyone was dead -- now I might say oh that's telling again. But hey, there are times where telling works better and I think it's completely fine here. Great ending btw. This was an entertaining story throughout, and I wonder if this is meant to read more literal in the terms of a vampiric story; but there is also a chance you could read this metaphorically all the way through. A monster kills the monsters. Kind of a truly bleak ending if you really sit down to think about vengeance. I don't know if it was your intention for that or not, and even if it was I think some specific edits here and there would have hammered that kind of metaphor better. Pretty good piece here, on the verge of really really really good.

SAMMY

Quote:

---

Bye, Bye, Ms American Pie

It tickles the spine. Every ripple design
nips with unkind intimacy.
every decline; the frivolous mind stays shivering;
when one's faced with winter-brisk state,
bracing her intimate pale distinguished lips.

---

You know, I'm not so sure how much I agree with some of the other criticism on the rhyme scheme taking away from it. I felt like you came in with rhymes in certain places and didn't in others. Personally, I felt the off and on rhythm here. It added to the mental state of our narrator in this piece. We're talking about someone suicidal here, right? Not necessarily revealed here right away but it is eventually, and that realization ultimately characterizes the rest of the piece including the beginning. The opener (bye bye ms american pie) adds this sense of foreshadowing when you come back to it. This is a goodbye, and we don't necessarily know it until the end. Could maybe some words be different? Sure. I'm not sure how much I feel "Every ripple design" because the words don't ring true to the whole truth that oozes from this piece. Everything else nails a certain form of depression except that.

Quote:

---

"Hey...
...bitch..."

A feigned quip laid, thick in pain stricken face;
obvious but...

"Where was the fall out?"

..or rather when? Dark clouds descends.
Mark mouths with venom.
Scars shroud in linen garb. "now.. what is this?!"

Silence...

---

Strong words. I like the little interludes, they characterize our narrator and show us the struggle he's facing. We understand his frustration, I think everyone has wondered where they've went wrong in an ended relationship before. Pain-stricken face is a good descriptor, we understand he's in pain. 'Scars shroud in linen garb'. I really loved that line right there, perhaps the word should have been shrouded. But I get a picture that his emotional wounds are hidden underneath his clothing. It's those simple lines that are the backbone of a piece.

Quote:

---

Her shoulders, so cold and thin
but it was my soul that's quivering.
her tone, a sepia dipped in saturated glow; its sickening.

"I'm sick of this! The fuck did i do?"

---

A sepia dipped in saturated glow gives me the image of a photograph taken in that kind of format, and he's viewing the picture. Viewing the memory and what was once happy is now ruined and tears him up inside. Haven't we all felt that way at some point? Great relatable feelings here. Breathes a human life into the work.

Quote:

---

Silence was golden. She holds with dissonance
like a gold-digging, bitch.
Vultures circles in bold ambivalent.
"Stole..." You wicked bitch! Why?? It was on a platter, garnished in rose and sweetest kisses...

No....this can't be it.
Fuck closure, i'd rather not know, if this is it.
Every winter we'd roam to different seasons
...and this cold is too much for this lonely piece of shit...

..so off i go...

---

This is a great way to describe the feeling of bitterness. The final words there, that final scream of frustration within the first four lines in here. Sets up the next four very well, all that anger gives its way to apathy and a pretended feeling of uncaring though the scars have run so deep the lonely man just can't take it any more so he drifts off into fucking dreamland in the next few lines.

Quote:

---

Ahhh summer...
kaleidoscopic eyes with the devilish grin.
Embellished in sin.
The smell of cinnamon with, i think, a pinch of magenta?

He sings:
My, My Ms. American Pie...

---

Painting a picture of a more beautiful place. Maybe describing her eyes the way he remembers them, the use of smell is nice. Senses are tremendously underused in a lot of things I read. Even I forsake em here and there. Finishing off with My My Ms. American Pie is a good call back. It brings us back to the beginning. And, if we've been paying attention so far; it doesn't mean anything good.

Quote:

---

Her heart bled chevy red, art pumping life to this painting.
the frame, thin; color fades as the days swayed west.
grey specs graced bits of aging canvas
made of paper mache..
"Just.....stay...please" she graced,
her face radiant; Made of brazen angel wings.
Hands intertwined as we basked in cherry wine.
painful past laid to rest ...
at least until the fading bit of spirit saplings withers byyyy....

Bye, bye, Ms. American Pie
drove the chevy to the levy...
and there i would die...

---

Kind of calls back to the girl. We were thinking summer and good things, then her heart. Her heart was the one beating life into HIS painting aka his life. Now that she's gone, the color fades. 'Angel wings' seems like a set up for what's coming. A dreamy kind of way for him thinking that she wants him to stay, but one could argue that it's a voice of heaven to stay. Don't go through with what he's planning. Or simply subconscious. Or just his own hopeful imagination. I might be completely wrong on all of those, but it's what I got out of it.

And finally, the last three lines was the proverbial nail in the coffin. Nailed the landing here. Drove the chevy to the levy... great twist to that song. Driving into the ice cold water and drowning. Again. That's the way I saw it. I think some better word choice could have been used in a few places. Flow wise it did break up a bit in places where it shouldn't have. But, I have problems complaining about that because if we're talking about a suicidal mental sate... Isn't a bit of a broken form really perfect for this? Still, watch the punctuation you use. It should have a purpose instead it looks cool. Other people will read that punctuation the way its meant to be read rather than the way you think it reads.

End of the day, I have to vote for Sammy on this one. Might not have had the most technically sound of the two pieces entered. SELF ACTIVATE had better form, and better flow. But these are not the most important pieces of any work. Both told strong and vivid stories, though I connected with Sammy's on a deeper level and found the concept more engaging. It felt a little bit more thoughtful, and I thought in the places where the wording was incredibly vital; Sammy's had more layers. Would have voted for Activate if I was truly sold on the revenge turning a person into a monster metaphor.

Sammy, your drop was hit and miss for me. I liked certain parts of it and was confused with others. Parts of it seemed rushed and forced while other parts seemed though out. I never really connected with the piece as a whole because of that and think that it felt scattered. I feel it needed something more to really grab the reader's attention. The rhyme scheme carried the piece at times when the content didn't, but that wasn't enough and in the end left me wanting more to fully enjoy it.

Self Activate, I liked the imagery of this drop. The narrative carried it nicely from start to finish and made for a smooth read.

Quote:

---

Steady streamed down my cheek as the speed of her steps
had increased to the beat that repeated in my chest

---

Lines like that made the piece work really well. It's kinda of like I could feel the panic in the character just from reading those lines. And that carried over across the whole piece I thought. Dope.

Vote - Self Activate
In a clear win. Better overall drop and a take on the topic that I enjoyed more than Sammy's. I know some piece's are left to the reader's interpretation in the end, but I felt the way Sammy's ended didn't work too good this time around while Self had a complete package.