Last Wish

If you knew the aches upon my soul,
The rust of bones I feebly hold,
The deepened grudges borne within
The sinews stretched beneath my skin,
You would be less so quick to scold.

If you've felt ill fortune's glances,
Had devil's luck, known dusted chances,
Felt your fierceness slowly lost
In the fight, and in the cost,
You will have your hard-sought answers.

If you know a thing at all
Of the spinning coin or tumbling ball,
Of praying will upon the dice -
This God of empty sacrifice! -
Judge not the end, but how I fall.

If you knew the aches upon my soul,
The rust of bones I feebly hold,
The deepened grudges borne within
The sinews stretched beneath my skin,
You would be less so quick to scold.
the language in this is interesting. elegant, yet it holds a lot
of weight. a lot of resentment. the imagery is great as well, rust of bones.
i think your use of literary devices is above par with most writers here.

If you've felt ill fortune's glances,
Had devil's luck, known dusted chances,
Felt your fierceness slowly lost
In the fight, and in the cost,
You will have your hard-sought answers.
i liked this transition. 'known dusted chances' were great word choices.
feeling everything draining, the sensation leaving your fingertips. interesting.

If you knew a thing at all
Of the spinning coin or tumbling ball,
Of praying will upon the dice -
This God of empty sacrifice! -
Judge not the end, but how I fall.
really great ending. don't judge that the person got there, but the
manner in which they arrived. conceptually, this was one of the best
pieces i've read in a while. empty sacrifice was thought provoking and kind
of eerie. overall, this was a great piece man, i haven't enjoyed a piece
this much in a while.

If you knew the aches upon my soul, You've enticed the audience with that first line. We want to know the ache,
let alone going deeper into soul aching. Speaks volumes when we're intrigued by others' pain - plight.
The rust of bones I feebly hold,Phew. Imagery - check. This is a great line.
The deepened grudges borne within
The sinews stretched beneath my skin,Ew, that word 'sinews', a great yukky word that works well here. Those two lines are full of classy description, and yet, look at the subject matter. Well done. It's got poetic poise.
You would be less so quick to scold.

If you've felt ill fortune's glances,Another interesting line.[/B]
Had devil's luck, known dusted chances,You really do explain it well.
Felt your fierceness slowly lost
In the fight, and in the cost,
You will have your hard-sought answers. Ah yes. What a great landing after great rhymes.

If you know a thing at all I like it when you talk to the audience like this. Automatic connection.
Of the spinning coin or tumbling ball,
Of praying will upon the dice -
This God of empty sacrifice! -I like all of these lines, but...I love this one.
Judge not the end, but how I fall.Beautiful ending. A sound outro.

Soul, you're a sensitive writer who reaches intelligent knowledge, in a twirl of poetic ballads, and that's captivating, intriguing.
Top notch writing here imo. You rock with this.
It's got a sepia tone. I like the conviction in the words.
This poem talks to me.

Great read.

Thanks guys, appreciate it

I like this.

I'll have to mediate on it and come back with better feed

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Karaoshi

If you knew the aches upon my soul,
The rust of bones I feebly hold,
The deepened grudges borne within
The sinews stretched beneath my skin,
You would be less so quick to scold.

I like this, a lot actually. Real solid starting line there to draw us in. Everyone's got aches, so we can recognize pain in other people. But, you're drawing attention to it. I get this idea of judgment that people throw upon strangers without knowing them. See so many people say "that dude is scum" or whatever because they did a certain crime but in truth... we don't know these people. We wouldn't be so quick to judge addicts and others if we knew the scars they bore.

If you've felt ill fortune's glances,
Had devil's luck, known dusted chances,
Felt your fierceness slowly lost
In the fight, and in the cost,
You will have your hard-sought answers.

Answers is a curious ending there. What were the questions? I suppose those questions might be... why did this person do that? Why is this person like that? They'd have their answer if they faced anything measuring the hardship that the speaker has. Well phrased.

If you know a thing at all
Of the spinning coin or tumbling ball,
Of praying will upon the dice -
This God of empty sacrifice! -
Judge not the end, but how I fall.

Like the play with 'chance' represented by a spinning coin. And dice. Chances so far have not been in favor of the speaker. Don't judge a person by what their finish is like, but rather how it happened and what they were dealing with in that time. A person is more than a moment's terrible mistake.

---

Strong words, the poetic flair is definitely here. The conviction behind this is great. Oh, dusted choices was a great choice of words as well. The brevity also lends a lot of weight here. Felt like there could have been cliches in here when you got to devil's luck but you spun it nicely to avoid that entanglement. Finely crafted, I'm a fan of your writing.

@TheIllyricist just came back to say you got exactly what I was going for with each of those stanzas. Good feels bud.