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http://pixeljoint.com/files/icons/full/belt_shiny.gifCHAMPIONSHIP SERIEShttp://pixeljoint.com/files/icons/full/belt_shiny.gif
WEEK 5
"MIRROR IMAGE"
CHECK IN BY 4/6
VERSES BY 4/11
VOTES BY 4/15
L.E VS 143
L.E YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE THE TOPIC FOR THIS BATTLE FROM THE TOPIC POOL AND MUST BE DONE BEFORE THE CHECK IN PERIOD EXPIRES.
REMEMBER THE TITLE MUST BE WRITTEN LIKE IT WAS READ IN REVERSE
EACH BATTLE MUST ADD A PIC TO SUPPORT YOUR VERSE
GOOD LUCK
Check man!
"Lost Paradise"
zSorry about the late check in...fried modem...
Lost Paradise
How long had it been? The steps, hollow echoes in halls,
Ascension is tall, roof casting shadows, light bends on the walls.
Cinnamon! Tingles nostrils, and the scent can convince a grin,
Transfixed within, joyous thoughts like warm breezes swim at skin!
The edge of a dream, candle orange, shadows wedged in between,
The message obscene...
...to some, it would be a nightmare depending on which perception was seen...
Stumble across a room, in the gloom one could not fathom a gasp,
Cave, a labyrinth of traps..! Canyons, places and with chasms so vast!
Blast! A ray from the gates, amazing, racing, transformation of states,
Color, cavernous wastes, with face that only one's imagination creates!
It's plain, the loosed chain has the plane, deeply sculpt from the brain,
Visions obtain, lucid frames, alive like dragon's breath engulfs into a flame!
Stunk, were the stains. Lost in trees, hide like a gecko in vines,
Reckless design, a child's thoughts warm like how peace echoes in minds.
And then one may grow old, victim to some monstrosity's reach,
Images, glossy as creeks, back to when an infant's first curiosity's breached...
A flicker, a picture, the ticker unwinds, a slicker design,
The fixture and mixture, the mister entwines, the liquor to spine,
An instant, the infant, a sinner in time, is sicker in mind,
The caves, in flames, now thicker in grime, a twister's incline!
The names, and dames, flames! Again, caged or be damned!
The nature of land, bouncing from a boy, on to the rage of a man.
The pages in hand, the taste, all that is drummed from the case,
Corruption in wastes, seeks to suck all good that comes from this place...
For the walls are the thoughts, awaking the haunting of clots on the cots,
Jot the dots in a trot, before all that is bought turns them to rot in their spots!
Stamped! Traced, and all that is creative is then stopped in the eye,
Flogged in a line, before the judge, individuality cries as its left lost and to die.
I realize I am me. Wandering deep into the depths and the cracks,
Of memory relapse, of my life and it's themes etched into the tracks.
Tossed into colds, warmth lifting before the frosts and the snows,
Forgotten in woes, the child's paradise that we've all lost in our souls.
http://orig12.deviantart.net/6fd0/f/...is-d9yp8ls.jpg
LOST PARADISE
I didn't know what expectation was all about
Where was it found in the fluctuation in my foundation
Or was it the variation in taste from the food I could get
Maybe bartered in the disparaging wealth, I would guess
However it showed itself, I can say I was left the crusty edges
Hanging on the musty ledges of society's wandering eyesight
And sustaining the grip of reality after failings of lusty pledges
Wondering how clean were the seats in the pondering limelight
Answers from my sister played sinister games toying at civility
Pressing the ability to survive in the canals of dire straits
Awaiting the gates to move ministries' redemption docility
Aching for the stability that's produce tranquility
But now it seems that it was dealt to others three hands ago
Where trump cards are Aces high and I'm holding Hearts low
In my face lie the journey, half begotten....
My cologne is of rotten outcomes and being downtrodden
Cotton dabs to stop hemorrhaging outbursts withers daily
Scrimmaging against the educational deficiencies nutrients
Proving my lost souls subservient nature dithers crazies
Rendering demon-less damage in savage activity's prudence
And I look at my sister who is the wizard of corrugated signage
Aerated clothing Skypes the total of its numerated mileage
But with discarded pens she tends to the frivolous smiles
Attractive when foot speed is gained in a furious style
Being a boy in the hood didn't even odds in this crap game
Just left life on the come line never answering our weakened calls
Sitting on high look down from thrones like pimps and lapped dames
Watching the beacon of begging roll past deepened tolls.....
I'm sorry for the fathomless rambling into what may seem dismal
On this concrete floor, blissful isn't one of the words chiselled
I sleep on daily Missals so God can protect me till tomorrow
Rafting a chance for us to be genuflected above this sorrow....
I know that time and future is a place left fallowed
But do you have a few dimes for my sister and I to borrow?
http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1931212/th...N-facebook.jpg
L.E.
^The imagery in the first two lines...bro...amazing! In some ways abstract, but nonetheless still very visual. The proceeding lines however, although still really nice, fell flat in comparisons. Also, I think the flow of the last line could have benefited from an extra syllable or the inclusion of the word 'the' where I placed an arrow. However, zooming out and looking at the full stanza as a whole ... I'd have to say this was a really nice intro that captivated my attention from the start, L.Quote:
How long had it been? The steps, hollow echoes in halls,
Ascension is tall, roof casting shadows, light bends on the walls.
Cinnamon! Tingles nostrils, and the scent can convince a grin,
Transfixed within, joyous thoughts like warm breezes swim at ^ skin!
^Sooo...this is turning out to be very poetic in concept. I'm really digging the whole "edge of a dream" phrase. I just like how that sounds and the image it renders in my mind. Truly dope writing. Also, the wording in the highlighted line was nice. Well articulated. It's all about perception I suppose. However, from that point on I wasn't entirely sure what you were trying to say. There seems to be some mystery to your writing in this section. So let's see if it's by design or by mistake. Either way I'm intrigued.Quote:
The edge of a dream, candle orange, shadows wedged in between,
The message obscene...
...to some, it would be a nightmare depending on which perception was seen...
Stumble across a room, in the gloom one could not fathom a gasp,
Cave, a labyrinth of traps..! Canyons, places and with chasms so vast!
^Some of the wording/phrases read awkwardly to me due to inappropriate tense use. Also, the abstract nature of your imagery is making it difficult for me to fully form a mental picture of what's happening. I do like that last line tho.Quote:
Blast! A ray from the gates, amazing, racing, transformation of states,
Color, cavernous wastes, with face that only one's imagination creates!
It's plain, the loosed chain has the plane, deeply sculpt from the brain,
Visions obtain, lucid frames, alive like dragon's breath engulfs into a flame!
^Welcome back to Earth. This section read perfectly. The highlighted lines were my favorites. In particular, the first one. The idea of a child's thoughts being peaceful and creating a warming feeling (inside) I thought was genius. Impressive passage of text here, bud.Quote:
Stunk, were the stains. Lost in trees, hide like a gecko in vines,
Reckless design, a child's thoughts warm like how peace echoes in minds.
And then one may grow old, victim to some monstrosity's reach,
Images, glossy as creeks, back to when an infant's first curiosity's breached...
^Pure mechanics and technical brilliance here! I loved the flow, the scheme, the bounce and bop of the rhythm. Everything was in tune. Perfectly pitched and balanced.Quote:
A flicker, a picture, the ticker unwinds, a slicker design,
The fixture and mixture, the mister entwines, the liquor to spine,
An instant, the infant, a sinner in time, is sicker in mind,
The caves, in flames, now thicker in grime, a twister's incline!
^And the beat keeps going! I'm nodding my head as I read this. Not only is the flow alive and exhilarating to read, but more importantly it's powered by superb wording and full of nutritious substance.Quote:
The names, and dames, flames! Again, caged or be damned!
The nature of land, bouncing from a boy, on to the rage of a man.
The pages in hand, the taste, all that is drummed from the case,
Corruption in wastes, seeks to suck all good that comes from this place...
^Ok, so in essance this piece is about innocence lost! The death of a youthful imagination and fascination of the world. Cool concept. Great writing. Some flaws. But overall ... highly entertaining and unique in perspective and narrative. Really good read, L.Quote:
For the walls are the thoughts, awaking the haunting of clots on the cots,
Jot the dots in a trot, before all that is bought turns them to rot in their spots!
Stamped! Traced, and all that is creative is then stopped in the eye,
Flogged in a line, before the judge, individuality cries as its left lost and to die.
I realize I am me. Wandering deep into the depths and the cracks,
Of memory relapse, of my life and it's themes etched into the tracks.
Tossed into colds, warmth lifting before the frosts and the snows,
Forgotten in woes, the child's paradise that we've all lost in our souls.
143
^The last line was worded oddly to me. Not sure what to make of it. Not sure I truly understand what's being said. The rest however...sheesh....what a way to open. Immediately the tone grabs and sucks you into a gray and dim atmosphere. What's being expressed seems important. It also seems to be overlooked or neglected by the masses. Ultimately, it seems a meek voice searching for an ear to listen. Powerful stuff. The highlighted line was great. Loved the imagery.Quote:
I didn't know what expectation was all about
Where was it found in the fluctuation in my foundation
Or was it the variation in taste from the food I could get
Maybe bartered in the disparaging wealth, I would guess
However it showed itself, I can say I was left the crusty edges
Hanging on the musty ledges of society's wandering eyesight
And sustaining the grip of reality after failings of lusty pledges
^Damn, bro! This is heavy, strong, and mature wordplay. No words wasted ... all substance and food for thought. The type of lines that deserve an in depth look, a second read, and a ponderous thought. I would highlight but, it was all dope!Quote:
Wondering how clean were the seats in the pondering limelight
Answers from my sister played sinister games toying at civility
Pressing the ability to survive in the canals of dire straits
Awaiting the gates to move ministries' redemption docility
Aching for the stability that's produce tranquility
But now it seems that it was dealt to others three hands ago
Where trump cards are Aces high and I'm holding Hearts low
In my face lie the journey, half begotten....
My cologne is of rotten outcomes and being downtrodden
^In this instance the wordplay seemed too heavy handed or forced and the language lost it humanistic and organic appeal. It was all to contrite and robotic for my taste.Quote:
Cotton dabs to stop hemorrhaging outbursts withers daily
Scrimmaging against the educational deficiencies nutrients
Proving my lost souls subservient nature dithers crazies
Rendering demon-less damage in savage activity's prudence
And I look at my sister who is the wizard of corrugated signage
Aerated clothing Skypes the total of its numerated mileage
But with discarded pens she tends to the frivolous smiles
Attractive when foot speed is gained in a furious style
Being a boy in the hood didn't even odds in this crap game
Just left life on the come line never answering our weakened calls
Sitting on high look down from thrones like pimps and lapped dames
Watching the beacon of begging roll past deepened tolls.....
^Numbers, are you not a scholar? Your verses always put me to task. But at least I learn something from it all. Thank God for Google tho. I had to look up the words "missals" and "genuflected" to honestly make sense of what I read. However; after doing so I was pleasantly surprised by your overall concept. The whole religious theme in this passage was a nice touch and brought back a sense of humility and real life emotion to your verse. Also, the chiselled line was beautiful, bro (no homo).Quote:
I'm sorry for the fathomless rambling into what may seem dismal
On this concrete floor, blissful isn't one of the words chiselled
I sleep on daily Missals so God can protect me till tomorrow
Rafting a chance for us to be genuflected above this sorrow....
^There is beauty in the struggle and art in the sorrow and your verse is an example of both. Not perfect, but more than worth the read. Good shit, bro.Quote:
I know that time and future is a place left fallowed
But do you have a few dimes for my sister and I to borrow?
Vote -- 143
Reason: I think L.E. won the battle of technique. The second half of his verse
was insanely well written with incredible movement and fluidity. However, there was just something about #s somber and poignant wording that intrigued me and demanded my attention. They both had standout moments, but ultimately that one section of 143's verse I quoted above with the amazing wordplay was the biggest highlight of the entire battle for me and tipped the scales slightly in his favor.
Great battle guys.
Quote:
Originally Posted by L.E
End of the day guys... Shit. I don't know which way to go on this. Both of you nailed the emotional aspects of your concepts. L.E. rhyme scheme was tighter in its execution and the flow. The imagery for L.E. was popping off the page with all the uses of the senses. Digits went in with a more minimalist style combined with a bit of a downplay of usual vocabulary which I thought was refreshing. 143s phrasing was real on point at times especially with the ending two lines and the simplisticness of aching for stability.Quote:
Originally Posted by 143
Overall, you both came to play with strong pieces of writing. I feel like that one drawback from 143 took away from my enjoyment a little bit. L.E. had some hiccups with flow, but they weren't killers by any stretch.
I'm giving my vote to L.E. here on the basis of rhyme scheme, the story told unfolding with the use of all five senses showed a lot of discipline and careful writing. His take on innocence lost was one he made his own. It felt more polished and planned out so I give him the slight... very slight edge this week.
Alright dope battle. Wanna leave sufficient feed but don't got much time so in a break it down simultaneously piece by piece.
Topic use- I like both writers take on the topic. LE took what seemed to be more of a traditional paradise approach until about midway through when he started to infuse elements of th true nature of his piece which flowed beautifully into the close. 143s topic was a little easier to decipher early on which lead to it drawing me in to what I was reading a little more. The point of someone born into the pits of this paradise really sung out to me. I think I connected with that a little more than LE even though I also enjoyed his topic use.
Flow- ima be honest, both verses had me stumbling over myself tryin to read through them smoothly. A lot of re-read lines. I've come to notice that the abab rhyme scheme is used frequently by 143 so don't wanna penalize him for it. But that shit throw me off every time. Especially when the piece also slips in and out from a traditional rhyme scheme. I'd give LE the nod in this area because even through I found myself fumbling over my words at times I was able to get Into a groove for the most part and read through it cleanly.
Vocabulary and imagery would be and automatic push for me considering both of you left me feeling stupid at times yet you both also set your setting clearly without getting to abstract and confusing the reader.
So what this comes down to is gonna be overall execution which I think goes the way of LE. I was thrown off at times in where you were going with the piece but your opponent had the same issues. But once finished with each drop LEs stood out due to my ability to read through is piece cleanly. I like both verses in so many different ways technically, but was able to enjoy one more than the other.
Vote LE
Two contrasting styles here made for a dope battle.
L.E, one thing that stood out to me was when you had the single syllable quicker rhyme scheme going on. It threw off the vibe of the piece to me quite a few times. I felt by trying to keep the scheme going, you hurt what you were actually saying. I wasn't a fan of the single syllable rhyming. But other than that, I enjoyed the piece. The rest of it was written well and brought the parts I didn't like together still. Just not sure why the drastic change, it changed the mood/vibe of the piece to me in a bad way. Concept was dope though, struck on a lot of chords that can bring up different memories for different readers while having a familiarity to it.
143, you built up a really nice piece that had a lot of pulling power. It captured my attention pretty much from the start. Might have lost me a little in the middle longer part, but the ending was dope and brought it back together. My only issues were the last 2 lines. I felt like they kind of came out of no where to end the piece. Almost felt like you couldn't finish it how you wanted. Or maybe that's not the case and I just wasn't a fan of it. Either way, dope drop.
Vote - L.E
My vote came down to me liking L.E's take on the topic more. Both did a nice job, but I think L.E did a better job creating the lost paradise for me to see through my own eyes. Both of you did a good job putting the reader into your story and setting. And both had nicely written drops. A good preference match up.
Good stuff sir
L.E wins 3-1