heat full of hate

yo if you been through what i been through you might just clap a gat or two-)forced to learn a clue seen what these street's will do when they mean to you)-
used to gettin jumped ,lumped ,n slumped ,over da bench- out here people die bodies leaven a stench- aint no need to bitch, feens dont even snitch, cuz cats out here dien to get rich,-)
growen up poor n poverty stricken, a nine to fives practicly forbidden, gotta get what you get and get it fast,- cuz da cash dont last, it could end in a single blast can't reach da fututre if ya forgot da roots of ya past tien up trees before ya lose da cast-)
been their sick a da same game wit da same conclusion, ya eighth brain contusion, police raid's confusing,)they taken ya haze n taken ya ice checken ya egg for lice n a.i.d.s bruisen got 5 spaids n still losen shit's straight magic illusion=
done came up before da market crashed, n ya still had 4 couplr bricksd stashed -now you moven n shaken maken sure ya cakes baken fast youngbucks flippen g's in class straight trippen sippen gen out a gllass im ahazed blazen blunt ashe feeling likeda bad man johhny cash-0

now facen da two to four got me feenen for more bout to lodr my kid crib n da bitch all cuz i wont flip n snitch- dis situations hard got me outta my head like a jamaican losen his dreads mhat my girl gona do while im gone end up screwen ted have our cook n bed never trust crooks they said-
my lil man only seven growin up witout his dads protection a harsh life lesson hope my wife pray for blessin stay away from my wessin damn dis cae got me guesssen like soprano who can i trust is da question down on one knee kneelen to god in dis confession

I can see your rhymes bro.. but the way you structured it... it's all jumbled homie you need to go line. by . line feel me ex.

Yo if you been through what i been through you might just clap a gat or two...
Forced to learn a clue seen what these street's will do when they mean to you...
Used to gettin jumped ,lumped ,n slumped ,over da bench...
Out here people die bodies leaven a stench...
Aint no need to bitch, feens dont even snitch...
Cuz cats out here dien to get rich...

Now when you write like that you can vividly see that some lines aint got enuff content or other lines are stretched... there is bar count bro whether you know that or not 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and... thats a bar.. I got notes on writing if you need homie hit me up so I aint gotta do typing or unecessary posting due to other cats knowing about this knowlege... but other than that you got the rhyming concept down just need to structure it better...

just keepin it real if you have information to help please help homie

i understand. but what does your title have to do with your verse. or what does your verse have to do with your verse get it? im saying the overall concept was jumpy. what are you general point of view, what is the emotion coming from. nigga what is the topic. if its the hood you cant rap about the hood in 12 bars bro. you feels me. thats why most people avoid writing about the downfalls of the hood even tho it categorizes into two categories (killing, and drugs) it still is alot of thought to put into it due to the unoriginality you get me?

And the structure could have been better you know. its all clumped

instead of having:
jdnsajvnsjfdvfsdvbdfgb/adscsdfvfdsgsadfsfv/sdvsdfdfsd)dsavsdvdsvfv/sfdbdfbdbg.

you could have it like
dsvfdsavdfsbdfbdfb
dsbfbdfhdghfngfngf-
dfnfhnhfdnhfjghdjfdf
fhjhfdjdfhjjhfdjfhdjhfdj-

because then niggas donot get lost in your words which is a good thing in this case. And like i said. the thought process, concept, andstructure just made it less of a good read

need 2 feedback links asap - see rules

That shit was pretty good. Being a hood nigga, I can feel that struggle.
But the main thing I liked, was that it was real. I can tell you ain't one of those rappers that just be rhyming rhymes

However!
It was jumpy and hard to follow at points.
just stay at it. You'll be straight

this is good but u need a lil better structure...coo piece tho

if you post one more verse without links i will close all your threads and ban you