Wk 2/ Morphene (0-1) vs. Vafinest (0-1)

Ok, Gentlemen, week 2 is here...
Vafinest...I hope you show this time, sir.

To remind...it goes like this...

Check in by Wednesday...or YOU LOSE! No exceptions...
At the time of check in drop the topic you wanna write about...
It can be about anything...this shit is about you, the person, you the writer...
What you have inside you that you wanna get out in written word.
Be it your shitty week, the story of you and your girl...
Your inner-most hatred, your ultimate adventure...
Whatever.
BUT MAKE SURE YOU LET YOUR TOPIC BE KNOWN AT TIME OF CHECK IN.
This is to reduce the chances of you waiting until the last minute...
Then posting up an old piece you wrote 3 years ago.
I REALLY hope you don't do shit like that...please write fresh, aight!

Maximum 36 lines...if you drop more, your opponent can request a DQ...
AND HE'LL GET IT! Please keep these verses fairly quick and easy to read.
That'll keep votes and interest going!

Due Friday, Midnight.

That's all, I guess...please tear this shit up!!!

Peace and good luck!!!
.
.
.

im here.

lets drop early yo.

say, tonight/tomorrow?

I'm here I'll try to drop by tommorow

my topic: Death is around the corner

my topic is.

Sincerely

Billy Joel has had to have seen
That the fire was of mean degrees…before the gasoline
Pride is obscene, well that amount
Springsteen should have been deemed to shut his mouth
That’s the cause for half the wars
You all talk so much, for chumps with glass for jaws
I stand for all, and walk for none
The official’s sons can get off their ass for once
Too bunched to daddy’s grip
Go on and get yourself killed…
And stop being the fragile kid
…tell your pops to drop from the pedestal
And settle to a level acceptant of petty fools
.
Watch me do the nation a favor….
.
Unlock the slaves, as I waive the resignation paper
Not a neighborly waiver, it’s worldwide
Why?
For your false stride, lies, and war crimes
At all times, you disregard lives
With a shield upon your chest, you let the sparks fly
This nation is phased in a dark cry
But you just let the barks by…
Searched for centuries for a birth to define truth
You sprout from evils combined roots
Now that your saying bye’s to…
America, ill strike a heart attack, and you’ll die too
For im ALWAYS behind you.
http://i7.tinypic.com/71bqx5u.jpg

Sincerely
Jesus Christ

Written By: Morph

Death Is Around The Corner
By:Silence


Sitting in a 4 man cell,where the killers all dwell
this boy is living through the hell,from all the drugs that hes sells
got caught up in a murder,and everybody saying that he did it
saying that he made the plans,to have this guy hit
hes denying the whole thing,saying that he didn't know about it
but the detectives already knew,that he was apart of the shit
his criminal record was like a book,you could basically tell aout his life
that he always lived wrong,and could never do right
mostly raised by group homes,or in a cell all alone
started dazing into the world of being paranoid,cuz he was always in a zone
he couldn't stand still for a second,he was always so skeptical
thinking that the cops will come through the door,cuz they know that hes a criminal
now hes sitting in a court room,with his life going at stake
cuz they knew he committed the crime,but he thinks its all fake
so they take,the pictures out,showed how the man got abused
now the boy figures out,that he has been used
cuz he did so many favors,now hes looking at the death penilty
he sits and looks at his boys and says,"how can you do this to me"
as they see,the kid is just an enemy of the state
so they just hate,cuz they know that they're taking away his fate
so the judge looks at the jury,tells them to make their decsion
cuz if the wrong one is made,it ould turn out into a whole another collision
he sits there,his knees shaking,thinking "that I'm gonna die"
from all the lies,and the envy that appears in my eyes
so the judge comes back out,the boys face just got warmer
and he said that he was gulity,so he knew death was around the corner

Morph I was feelin your verse, original. Great flow throughout went from one line into another easily, good read. vocab, structure was on point. overall nice topical, left me thinkin at the end.

Silence. I wasn't really feelin your verse, it was basic and plain IMO. The flow was off and some of your lines were stretched out which was part of the reason for the off flow. Seemed like a last minute verse to me....but i liked the concept and storyline, i just thought you could've worded it better and added a twist or smth to it.

vote - Morphene

Vafinest (0-1)
my topic: Death is around the corner

Not real fresh. And a bit repetitive. Too repetitive. It seemed like you just watched a SA gangsta movie and summarized it"repetitively". Practice with your vocab because that affects flow. You put a good sum of effort in this. Do what your advised and focus that effort on your down points.

Vs

Morphene
Sincerely


I cant say this was very original since it was quite similar to my verse "nimrods pulpit"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Morbid Dream

Nimrods Pulpit

---

Aside from that it flowed reaally well and the content was potent. I dont think youll win points by writing in Jesus' 1st person but you did have the better verse. Brief and strong in content. Multies and rhyme schemse were nice. Vocab excellent.

V/ Morph...No probs
__________________

bumps

wtf @ everyone not voting on this one

fuck you, my lazy ass was gettin' to it. :love:

Morph - Pretty cool. The beggining was weird, I didn't understand too much as too what you were getting across while telling legends "Billy Joel" and "Bruce Springteen" to shut up. But what ever, got some imagery and creativity down right there. The wordplay was pretty cool. Placement and choice of words was right on point. Imagery as said before was cool. Emotion lacked some descriptionary support. The flow was fluent and slickly rolled right off of my sexy tongue in which my girlfriend enjoys so much ;). The piece was enjoyed, odd concept of it all but still nice read. Keep writing.

Vafinest - don't really know what to say, it's either you haven't raisen very high since I read some of your piece in late 2006. Or you've fallen deeper into rust or something. Because I was unable to enjoy the read friend. Your wordplay lacked lots of support.

A.) It lacked the syllable support each line should have held.
B.) It lacked a nice placement in each sentence. And Choice of words was weak as well.

The flow was edgy. wasn't very clear and damn you for making me stutter. that means the reader had a problem getting it across man. Not good. The imagery lacked lots, emotion lacked everything. Sorry to say man, but you need to rise up once more. For heavens sakes friend. Keep writing but ..

Vote - Morph

I couldn't get too much into either piece. Morph, your flow was a bit herky-jerky. It's a little cliche, with the anti-war sentiments & I was confused, because is seems as though Jesus is against our regime & war, but he also speaks out against Bruce Springsteen, who's also against the war & out current regime. Borderline piece. Vafinest, it just wasn't engaging. Is was more cliche than Morphs. You had a slightly better flow, but he got every other category & just outclassed you.

Vote: Morph

Morphene WINS, 1-1

Vafinest LOSES, 1-1

Nice work, cats!!!