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My Historical Self....
CHECK IN BY 5/11
VERSES BY 5/16 ****NO EXTENSIONS****
VOTES BY 5/20
You must write about yourself in as the main character part of a historical event (Ex; WWI, Christ dying on the cross etc). Also include a picture that may represent you and your role in the verse.
@TheIllyricist @King Prince
les gooo
Yep
47 Paths of Honor
More than seven steps echoed on the road
As I lifted my head from the farm that is home,
A days labor paid in sweat and sun
And equal measures fun that are none
Raising crops to feed my family, as a father
I must teach my sons to be stronger
Like the steel blade bathed in honor
Of war-bled waters that are no longer,
We are the new warriors, molding it,
A time of peace under the Shogunate
But even I still miss the days of tradition,
Swords held firm in a mission
Of lords and loyalty with connected hearts
… Even when they part
A matter of choice and he chose Hara-kiri
His name and honor lost in history?
Yet here his men walk down the road together
Tethered in unity and unweathered
In the face of death and lawful justice
Uncorrupted, the old ways still have substance
Count them all, forty eight including the head
Decapitated and held above, vengeance for the dead
Their lord from the grave can rest at last
With his noble name left in tact
Many people look on and gasp in horror
But I bow my head, recognize this order
For I can not call myself Yamada Ito
If I don’t believe in Bushido
At last, I look at my sons and speak
Of the truths that we should seek
“Do not forget this moment even if it goes against the shogun,
These are men of honor and we shall always remember the forty seven rōnin…”
http://www.comicsbulletin.com/main/s...onin-print.jpg
It wasn't an accident, the reason we became your devil's advocates
the massacre of masses turned pacifists into activists
all we did was imagine it, recruited and established it
created a cavity in the root of the establishment
And you gotta get rid of a cavity right?
nah. Black is beautiful.
http://www.uaacc.habari.co.tz/images...20KC%20001.jpg
See it was never about our estrangement from opinions or the changing of religion
but more a belief in what they been sayin since the beginning
freedom and equality, they're feeding us hypocrisy
from my side of the tracks the constitution seems a mockery
you took us out the heat, of course we turn up in the warm weather
all created equal, yet somehow you still were born better?
well only God has the power to weed the righteous from the sinners
so who on Earth has the power to defend us from the defenders
my point of view is offensive so they label me a menace
to society i'm probably O Dogg in the beginning
But it wasnt on no gangsta shit. When i met Huey he was on that thinking tip
a master craftsman here to patch a sinking ship
a true captain with enough passion to sink with it
so i synched with it, never forseeing the coming sequences
as far as idols in the hood we was as big as they come
we were niggaz with attitudes and also niggaz with guns
add organized to the equation and you figure the sum
i just wanted a safe haven for my cinnamon son
i seen enough in life to kill any belief in miracles
yet the old folks still in church singing negro spirituals
so why they wade in the water im obeying my orders
patrolling the steets, im the reason why they're safe in their quarters
and truth is safety's only a concern for us
cause at this moment the government's only concern is us
Black Power? there's only one option, to burn it up
so that left the panthers with one option, to turn it up
That fateful day:
We left Huey home cause his presence would've clashed with the plan
so im in the back of the van, Bobby next to me, strap in his hand
Lil Bobby Hutton at the far end, dappin his man
the calm before the storm, then the thunder clappin began
we were feeling it, Panther fatigues on lookin militant
came for peaceful talks but an incident was imminent
Regan on the lawn and he could probably smell the scent of it
before he saw the sight of it, absolutely frightening
America's nightmare right there, every eye is fixed
sending out a message loud and clear, they despised the shit
we were marching to the beat of our hearts at a fast pace
suddenly in a hurry like we're running a rat race
there was a virus that we felt we had the remedy for
made a wrong turn, ended up on the assembly floor
then out of the blue everybody filled with terror and caution
from this terrorist attack like we were there to assault them
we made it clear, guns in the air, fingers in sight
we were'nt there to fight but also weren't bringing delight
they say our "publicity stunt" made us hated even more
but if them guns weren't in our hands we'd never make it in the door
That's a fact of life but even empires pass in life
so the government sent the Panther to the afterlife
we had enemies all around to where we barely could maneuver
now i hate the letter H because of Heroine and Hoover
Lil Bobby was shot tryna take the fight to the feds
the first bag Huey shot went right to his head
Bobby Seale met Hueys wrath and had to fight just to live
me i left on better terms, and it was bright that i did
but to the cause i will always remain true to the end
and if i lived my life a second time i'd do it again
- - - Updated - - -
my apologies for the late vote, im glad i was afforded a little more time this week. . . .
First up is Ill
I really enjoy your streamlined style of writing. You take due care to make sure the syllables in each line are falling in place. I also like that you use multis to highlight certain lines, you dont just force them in every line just for the sake of having multis. However, i would like to see more double multis in future pieces as i think when you learn to use them, it makes the flow more complex . . . yet a better read. And strung in with your strong internal rhymes, it will really make your writing pop. Moving on though. . .
The story wasn't super strong here, which is o.k. The vocabulary and wording you chose for this piece was fitting. It felt balanced, and never too try hard. The opening section, and the majority of the body was done well, and illustrated some great ideas . . however, the ending fell a little bit flat. It basically just described his loyalty to the Shogun and Ronin, but outside of that, the story just never really went anywhere. Otherwise, a great read, and executed well on all the technical fronts.
King Prince,
I will just go ahead and say that you definitely won out the story category. It was well thought out. The story didnt drag or get stale in any particular areas. .i mean. It was really good fam. In comparison to Ill, i felt that your flow was a bit more unrefined, and the choice of wording in certain areas was a bit crude as well. You did have good multis as well. . in some areas, they lost a bit of effect due to syllable counts throwing off the timing some. It feels like the first half, had more advanced vocabulary and the ideas were on a grander scheme. . but then at the 'faithful day' section, you just really dialed down the vocab, although the story never lost its effect, the complexity and consistency took a hit.
This is actually a really tough battle to vote on. Basically, i liked Princes Story better. . yet, Ill had good content supported by a more composed technical written
I flip flopped on this one a couple of times, but im going to give Illyricist my vote. Although the concept felt a bit washed out, I have to award him the win based on the better execution in all other categories.
King, Your piece started strong, then just felt as if you was pressed for time and just started churning out the rest of the verse to get it in on time. You are a really good story teller, and you have multis in your arsenal. .just be more patient with the next one. if you start out using strong vocabulary, use it consistently or balance the vocab through the entire verse. Even out your lines, and sync your double multis up so they connect with each other in syllable count and stack from line to line.
good battle fellas
vote - theillyricist
TheIllyricist, nice story. I liked the story line and I liked that you told a tale that was dipped in history and came out reflecting it in a way that I understood. The language, I thought was fitting and the rhymes were cool to read too.
I won't go into the technicalities of your work since our friend Enoch Light did a pretty good job summing all that up.
I love the poetic vibe you hold though Illy, and I admire the way your work sounds authentic and real because of that streamline nature you have to your pieces.
The flow is like water at times and that's such a bonus when reading, being immersed and not wanting anything to break the flow of concentration. I thought the story line could have been stronger though. The story was very cool, but I would have liked more personalisation of the story to take me there and drop me off and make me feel the pulse of it, a little more than what it did.
King Prince, I was hooked from your intro. That's a good intro. The music it made was just lovely. The melodic tone though your verse imo, stayed strong and the conviction of your words was bloody brilliant to read. I know the technicalities weren't uniform from a to z but to me, how can I go past that captivating story line? The story had me entirely immersed and I really, honestly, couldn't stop reading till it ended. And I liked the outro. I like that you made it so personal, I like that you used names and referred to them and kept that part alive. I liked the subject matter and the content backed it beautifully. Although your flow could have been smoother, and your words could have been a little refined in certain spots, I really can't get past that outstanding story you told.
I really can't. It's just too good. This story had me from the intro and kept me in the palm of its hand right up until the last word of the outro, so for that reason alone, based on sheer entertainment value and story telling ability, I will give this one to you.
I thought that TheIllyricisit had good sound technical aspects to his piece, but it didn't hold my attention as much as your piece.
So guys, job well done to both of you, yet another shocker that wasn't that easy to judge, but at the end of the day, I think I just enjoyed King Prince's piece a little more. Actually, sorry Illy, it was quite a bit more lol.
Beautiful work people.
Thank you.
V - King Prince
FUnny these two verses connect with me in a personal way.
Ill:
47 Ronin was not only one of my fave movies in black and white but I had a chance to meet a descendant from one of the Ronin,Terasaka Kichiemon, in Japan in the early 90's while working for Naamco. This story has a lot of soul to it. The approach of being Asian poetical in the movement was the highlight of it. It did tell the story accurately in a general sense. But by me knowing the whole story I thought there were some point that were missed that would taken this topic to the stratosphere. But that's just being picky. I also like the small syllable count as I feel that when you are talking about history in an Asian setting it needs to be almost staccato like to get that feel like you are in that exact setting. Good Job
KP:
On the same token of knowing and experiencing the Black Panther Party first hand, you pulled out some emotion and memories for me. My parents are Black Panthers and I remember going to get free lunch at the BPP Center in West Oakland. Also by me going to school with Bobby Seals niece, I learned a lot about the BPP and my culture. This story pulls from that as if you were like Stokely or Bobby. A planner of action in the party. For the technical issues, the longer lines stretched out the story a bit as far as flow but you packed in some good content. I felt that one thing that was missed in this which is funny because it was the same thing that was missed when you talked about the BPP was the aspect of refinement. I thought there were better word choices here that would have given that hard punch and strength to really shine bit and pieces to underscore the verse total presentation. Overall you packed in a lot and writing a verse that was so touching to me and brought back events in my life that I personally lived proves your skill as a topical writer.
My vote goes to Ill
In my opinion this was battle with a half point difference. I felt that Ill had a overall feel that was more than commentative in nature and placed you in the actual time where to KP verse felt more like an observationist writing it which didn't underline the personal feel as to being there.